


Tell me what is right (when all I see is wrong)

by Phantom_Apple



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Depression, Fire Emblem: Fates Spoilers, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Nohr | Conquest Route, Original Character Death(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Rebirth, References to Depression, Self-Insert, in the past, kamui is there but not in control of her body, kind of a rewrite but oc has knowledge of what's going to happen, mentioned in the beginning, more of an oc than a self-insert but there's no tag for that, oc is not mentally healthy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 20:02:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10343571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantom_Apple/pseuds/Phantom_Apple
Summary: In the last minute or so, a few things had become clear. One; I’d died, and painfully on top of it. Two; I was stuck in a body that didn’t belong to me while the actual owner survived in my head. And three; the body I’d stolen belonged to Kamui of Nohr, from a video game called Fire Emblem Fates.I was in a video game — and even worse, I’d somehow become the main character whose life would soon (or maybe already had) gone to hell. I was so fucked.—Realistic retelling of Nohr route.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Replaying fates again and some of the shit Kamui/Corrine does just makes me want to scream. It can be really unrealistic at times, especially with how fast things move (looking at you chapters 4 & 5) so I'm hoping to fix that with a more realistic retelling + an additional twist of an OC replacing Kamui, with Kamui still existing.
> 
> I usually post to fanfiction.net, but I'm not sure how active it is in terms of Fire Emblem Fates so I'm coming here ... and if any of you somehow recognize my writing from there, don't comment a specific name of a story or author or I'll remove the comment. I don't want to mix these accounts, since I primarily would prefer to write more explicit things here.

My death was quick and painful; I went out with a bang, literally, as the bullets blasted through my body — the fifth one lodged in my forehead after four others stayed firmly jammed into various parts of my body. There was a very brief moment of _shit, I’m going to die,_ before I actually died — my killer’s face burned into my memory, his smirk the last thing I saw before everything went dark.

There were no pearly white gates or red flames to meet me; just nothingness. A black so dark that it doesn’t exist — truly an absence of light. Of life.

Then I was fighting; someone slammed into me, sending me reeling as I struggled against their hold, pushing back with as much strength as I could muster — but it was going nowhere, because in the void there was nothing really there to help; a pure battle of strength, and I was _losing._ I couldn't see what it was which only made it more difficult — and I shoved myself forward desperately, not wanting to know what would happen if I failed.

And then I woke up, encased in darkness and wrapped into velvet sheets. Sweat clung to my skin, my lungs heaving and gasping for air — it was just a dream, just a bad dream —

It spoke.

_"Um, not really a dream."_ I nearly shriek, slamming my head into the wood headboard — wait, _what?_ — and a whine of pain escaped my lips.

I freeze.

_That isn’t my voice._

_"Are you OK …?”_ it asks carefully, voice soft and high pitched — just like mine, apparently. _“I know you’re probably confused …”_

I shudder, sliding out of the bed and looking down at myself — the nightgown is completely foreign, my skin is a strangely pale shade; my feet are small, nails painted a deep purple, and most of all —

I tug at the strand of hair tucked over my shoulder. It’s _white._

Overcome by nausea, I bolt to my feet, hand flying to my mouth in a desperate attempt to keep myself from throwing up. “ _Ah — the bathroom is right down the hall!”_ the voice calls quickly, and I quickly push my way through the heavy, large oak doors and follow its directions. I barely make it in before I’m emptying my stomach contents into the toilet, hands shaking as they grasp the edge. The hair somehow manages to keep from falling in, thank god, and it isn’t until what feels like an eternity that my stomach settles. The voice seems to hover in a way.

_“Are you alright?"_ it asks, concerned. _“I know this … must be strange; I’m confused too.”_

I cough, spitting out the gunk in my mouth. My head pounds relentlessly. “Wh — Where am I?” its voice comes out as I speak, albeit raspier due to throwing up just moments earlier. “Who are you?”

_“I’m … you,”_ it answers hesitantly. _“Or I guess you’re me? My name is Kamui.”_

“What do you mean I’m you?” I get to my feet, stumbling slightly. I’m a lot closer to the ground than I remember being. “I’m — I —”

It — no, Kamui — sighs. _“I know it’s weird, but … I think you took my body.”_ I open my mouth to argue, only for it to cut me off. _“I know it sounds impossible, but — look in the mirror! You were in my room, and you have my voice … I can see what you see.”_

I glance at the mirror; it’s a tiny little thing, hanging on the wall, and nearly have a heart attack at what I see.

“Who the fuck is _that!?”_

_“Please don’t yell!”_ Kamui begs, a hint of panic crawling into her voice. _“Jakob or Felicia will hear you, and Camilla is visiting this weekend —”_

I clamp my hand over my mouth, kneeling down and dragging my knees up to my chest. “Who the — who are _they?_ Where am I?”

Kamui hesitates, as if she’s worried about something, before answering, _“This is the northern fortress … in Nohr.”_

I nearly choke on my spit.

_"Nohr?_ What the fuck?” I lean back against the wall, heart hammering in my throat as I try not to panic even more than I already am. “Nohr is — isn’t real. Don’t make things up.”

_“Huh? What do you mean Nohr isn’t real?”_ Kamui asks in confusion. _"If_ _it wasn’t real you couldn’t be here!”_

“I _can’t_ be here, Kamui!” I snap back, my voice rising in fear. “I — I _died!_ I was murdered — I was —”

I choke suddenly, the pain hitting me again. The feeling of bullets ripping through my skin, tearing through tissue and muscles and bones, and _his face_ is suddenly there and I nearly scream.

" _Calm down!”_ Kamui begs frantically. _“Please calm down — someone is going to find us if you don’t! Gunter patrols the halls at night, and he’ll realize immediately you aren’t me and —”_

“Kamui, darling … is that you?” A deep, feminine voice calls out, and I freeze. Kamui seems to do something similar with the way her voice fizzles out, and I barely can stop myself from bolting when footsteps approach.

A horribly familiar woman steps into the bathroom, long purple locks cascading down her shoulders, and her expression is drawn into a furrowed frown. It only grows when she sees me — the tear marks are obvious, as is the panic likely flashing through my eyes, and she kneels down without a second thought.

“It’s so late to be up, my dear Kamui,” Camilla soothes, wrapping me up into a hug that I’m too stunned and terrified to pull away from, “did you have a nightmare? Your big sister will help you fall back asleep … there’s no need to be scared.”

_“Ah, you’ve done it now,”_ Kamui remarks with a sign. _“Camilla is going to worry for awhile now. It’s best if you just do what she says — unless I tell you not to,”_ she quickly corrects herself. Camilla helps me to my feet, practically cradling me while asking soft questions that I barely even hear in the first place.

“C-Camilla?” I whisper. “I’m fine. I-I’m — I just got sick, and it … scared me.” My voice is shaking just slightly, but I manage to stabilize it somehow. “I don’t want to get you sick, too — so please leave me alone.”

Camilla frowns. “I cannot, Kamui,” she says firmly. “What kind of sister would I be if I left you in such a state? You’re just a _mess,_ sweetheart.”

My arm burns fiercely and I vaguely realize it’s where one of the bullets entered me. “I’m fine,” I argue back. “If I don’t feel better when I wake up, I’ll let Flora and Felicia know immediately … alright?” Camilla doesn’t budge, and I reluctantly beg, “ _Please?”_

“Oh, Kamui, you know I can’t resist those puppy eyes of yours …” she sighs, but reluctantly releases me when we reach the room I came from. “Very well. But if you’re still feeling ill in the morning you _will_ let me take care of you.”

I grimace. “S—Sure … that’s fine. Thanks for worrying.”

Camilla smiles, leaving me on my own in the room, and once the door is shut I all but collapse, barely making it to the bed in time. Kamui sighs deeply. _“I can’t believe you did that — and it worked. How did you know about the puppy eyes?”_

“I didn’t,” I mumble back. “Kamui … if I really took your — your _body,_ ” I choke out the word, “then why are you still here? Shouldn’t you be … gone?”

_“I … I dunno,”_ she offers back. _“How did you know that was Camilla? And about Flora and Felicia?"_

I swallow dryly. Shit. “I — I dunno,” I whisper, parroting her response. “I just did.”

Kamui is silent for a long while. Then, finally, she says, _“I can tell you’re lying … but I won’t pry. It’s not like I can do anything anyways,”_ she mumbles the last part a bit bitterly. _“Hey … can I ask you a question? What did you mean when you said you died?”_

I shiver. The pain in my arm is worse now, spreading through the limb and up to my shoulder and chest, and I have to force myself to breathe before I can answer. “Exactly what I said — I … I died. And then something started fighting me and I was here.”

_“Did it hurt?”_ Kamui’s voice is small. _“I can’t feel anything, but … you seem like you’re in pain, and I know I wasn’t when I fell asleep. What happened? I mean — how did you die?”_

I swallow dryly, a weird, weak laugh bubbling up to my throat. “I — I can’t explain it to you,” my voice cracks. “It — it hurt so bad. So, so badly. It still hurts. It _hurts.”_

_“I’m so sorry …”_ Kamui whispers. _“Do you think it’ll go away?”_

I shrug through my tears, ignoring the tightness in my chest and the panic that’s beginning to overtake me. “I don-don’t know. I — I want to go _home,”_ I sob. “Why am I here? Why am I — this shouldn’t exist. _You_ shouldn’t exist.”

Because, in the last few minutes, a few things had become clear. One; I’d died, and painfully too. Two; I was stuck in a body that didn’t belong to me while the actual owner survived in my head. And three; the body I’d stolen belonged to Kamui of Nohr, from a video game called Fire Emblem Fates.

I was in a video game — and even worse, I’d somehow become the main character whose life would soon (or maybe already had) gone to hell. I was so _fucked._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the armor for female Kamui in this game is just ridiculous, so instead she gets to wear the male armor instead. Blah, just looking at the female armor makes me angry. Who fights in something like that? Like, honestly ...

As one would expect, it was nearly impossible to fall back asleep after that no matter how hard I tried. Kamui tried to talk me into sleeping but, eventually, when it became clear I wasn't going to be able to anytime soon, she began to tell me about herself and her family.

“How tall are you — we?” I correct myself after a second, rolling onto my side. The sheets are softer than any I’ve felt before in my life. “And how old are you?”

Kamui hums softly, seeming to think over it for a second.  _ “I think I’m five foot one. And I just turned nineteen last month. What about you? I mean … before you died?” _

I roll over again. Despite the high quality of the sheets, I’m incredibly uncomfortable sleeping in this fortress. “Five seven, and I was nineteen too.”

_ “Wow, so tall,”  _ Kamui sounds amazed.  _ “I think Leo is is a bit taller than that — he’s my younger brother.” _

“How old is he?”

_ “Eighteen now. We’re only half siblings,”  _ she informs me.  _ “Father has had a lot of concubines.” _

I shift uncomfortably. “Kamui … are you close to your siblings?”

She’s silent for a moment, before she reluctantly replies,  _ “Yeah. Are you worried?” _

“Aren’t you?” I bite back. “I’m not — I’m not you; they’re going to know something is wrong, and —” I squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to panic again. “What will I do? How can I be someone I’m not?”

_ “I … don’t know,”  _ she admits.  _ “I’ve been trying to think of something myself this whole time, but all I’ve come up with is just telling you what you need to know.” _

I rub my palms against my eyelids, and am nearly scared out of my skin when Kamui suddenly yelps.  _ “Oh no — no, no, no this is bad!” _

“What?” I blink rapidly, panic seeping into my voice. “What’s wrong!?"

_ “Xander is visiting tomorrow! Oh no, oh no … what will we do?”  _ Kamui exhales shakily, and I’m hit with another wave of nerves.  _ “I’ve been learning to use a sword from him for the last few years — have you ever used one? Please tell me you have …?” _

I suddenly feel sick again, and Kamui groans.  _ “OK … well, this is really bad,”  _ she whispers.  _ “There’s no way that he won’t notice that I suddenly am a novice again.” _

I tremble, wrapping my arms around myself in an attempt to calm down. When it doesn’t work I shove to my feet, pacing through the massive room — I move over to the table, pouring out a glass of water and chugging it down, but it does nothing except bring a new wave of nausea that nearly makes me double over.

“Kamui — Kamui, what do I do?” I desperately ask. “I’ve only been here for … what, a few hours maybe? I’m still — I still can’t believe I  _ died.”  _ Tears pull at my eyes and I sniffle, biting back a sob. “How does someone recover from that?”

_ “I-I don’t know,”  _ she admits.  _ “I’m so sorry … I wish I could do more to help, but all I am now is a voice. Maybe … can you give me control back somehow?” _ she poses the question tentatively and I immediately shake my head.

“No. No — I’m sorry, Kamui, but … I can’t.” I shiver, remembering how the game played out originally; there’s no way in hell I’m letting myself go through that shit. “You won’t understand, but … it’s better for the both of us that you just … stay there.” I close my eyes tiredly, making my way back to the bed and laying back down on top of the covers. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Kamui huffs, but reluctantly agrees after a few seconds.  _ “Hey … what should I call you?”  _

I pause, rolling onto my back and staring up at the dark ceiling. “I’m … Amelie. Not that it matters anymore, though,” I mumble, letting my eyes slip shut for a moment. “Now I’m Kamui. I’m you.”

_ “I’ll call you Amelie,” _ Kamui offers.  _ “It’d be kind of weird calling you by my name anyways …” _

I nod, crawling back under the sheets when a chill runs through my body. The nightgown I’m wearing is thin and sheer, not covering nearly enough skin for me to be comfortable, and the sheets aren’t thick enough to provide as much warmth as I’m used to and it’s just —  _ uncomfortable.  _ I miss my bed, I miss my room — I miss my  _ home more than anything. _

I manage to fall into a restless sleep, despite the twitching in my arms and occasional pain that shoots through my body, but much to my chagrin as soon as I begin to approach actual deep  _ sleep  _ I’m startled out of it by the sound of the door opening. 

“Lady Kamui?” A voice says softly, “It’s time to wake up!”

I blink a few times, struggling to keep my eyes open, and another voice chimes in, “Hey, wake up Lady Kamui! Up and at ‘em!”

_ “Flora and Felicia?”  _ Kamui mumbles.  _ “Ah — Amelie! Get up, quickly!” _

“What …?” I blink again, eyes drooping. “What are you talking about, Kamui …? I just fell asleep.”

“Listen well, Princess,” a third, deep male voice begins. “You were advised to sleep at a regular hour in order to get adequate sleep for your practice today; it may still be dark, but it is indeed morning.”

I push myself up carefully, wincing slightly when another pain shoots through my arm. The limb trembles, and I lean forward, rubbing the palm of my hand against my eyes. “I’m awake,” I mumble groggily. 

“I have taken the liberty of readying your armor and, er, pounding out the dents,” a white-haired man tells me from his place behind the two women. “Your brother is a fearsome opponent, is he not?”

Kamui groans, somehow managing to nudge me mentally, and I jolt at the contact. “Oh — uh, yeah … he is.”

The man frowns, stepping forward. “Lady Kamui, are you feeling alright? You seem a bit out of sorts.”

“I — yeah,” I croak. “I’m fine. Tired.”

The two girl’s eyes light up. “Ah — I know how we can fix this,” the one on the left states. “Felicia, would you please assist me?”

Felicia grins. “Sure thing!”

I barely have enough time to blink before they’ve both grasped my arms with their hands, and the first thing I register is  _ pain  _ followed by a sharp, deep aching cold, and I jerk away, a high pitched whimper escaping.

“L-Lady Kamui?” Felicia stammers in surprise. “What’s wrong? Flora — did we …?”

Pain, pain  _ pain _ ; I grit my teeth, hands clenching the fabric tightly as I struggle to keep myself together. “I’m — fine,” I repeat. “Is Xander already waiting f-for me?” I curse the stutter in my voice, hissing out a sharp breath. “I should … get ready.”

“Lady Kamui, I must protest,” the white-haired man begins. “You seem to be unwell; in no state to be practicing with Prince Xander.”

“Jakob,” I snap, my voice surprisingly steady, “I’m  _ fine.  _ Can you leave me to get ready?”

Jakob frowns, but reluctantly agrees. “As you wish, Lady Kamui.”

Once everyone has left the room, I lean back on the bed, trembling softly. Kamui sighs.  _ “Amelie … that’s not how you’re supposed to act,” _ she chides.  _ “Someone is going to get suspicious; if Leo or Xander see you acting like this, we’re in trouble.” _

“Kamui, I’m not you.” I roll over to my side, tenderly pressing at the skin of my arm that had just moments ago been burning. “I can’t … just act like someone I’m not. I already feel sick to my stomach over all of this.”

Kamui huffs, and I feel a pressure set against the back of my eyes.  _ “It’ll be worse if you don’t act right, though. They’re gonna think something happened if you—” _

“Something  _ did  _ happen!” I finally hiss back, jerking off the bed and moving over to the armor that’s been set down on the table. “I replaced  _ you  _ after I died, and now we’re both  _ fucked,  _ so you and Xander and Leo and — and everyone is just going to have to accept that you’re different.”

Kamui goes silent, but I can’t find it in myself to care. The armor is unusually difficult and complex to get on, and by the time I’ve finally secured the cape I can’t help but shift uncomfortably. Thankfully the outfit isn’t the revealing one from the game; it’s closer to the male outfit than anything, but it’s different than anything I’ve worn before.

I search for a pair of shoes, only to find none, and frown.

“Kamui,” I begin, “where are your shoes?”

_ “Ah …”  _ she gives off the impression of shrugging somehow,  _ “I … don’t wear them?” _

I blink. “Why? Don’t your feet get cold?”

_ “Sometimes?”  _ Kamui seems a bit confused.  _ “I’m usually inside, so I’ve never really seen the point. I don’t like how they feel.” _

I make my way over to the door, suppressing a sigh. “Well, I know what I need …”

Jakob and Gunter are waiting by the door as I exit, though Flora and Felicia are nowhere to be seen, and Jakob nods in approval. “Your siblings, sans Princess Elise, are waiting in the dining room, Lady Kamui; if you are ready?”

I hesitate. Then, finally, ask, “Well … actually, Jakob — I was wondering if you could get me some shoes?”

Jakob frowns, and before he can question it I quickly continue, “I just think it’s time to start wearing them is all — if I were to step on anything and injure myself, it’d be pretty painful.”

“… Very well,” he agrees, “I shall fetch them for you while you are eating. Do you require my assistance?”

I pause. Does he usually accompany Kamui? He wouldn’t be asking if he did, but then again he is a  _ servant  _ so … 

_ “He’s only being polite,”  _ Kamui tells me,  _ “he never walks me there anymore.” _

“I’ll be fine on my own,” I mumble. “Thanks.”

Kamui gives me the instructions, and I hover outside the door, my stomach twisted into an intricate mess of knots, before finally pushing it open and stepping in.

The dread that has been lingering since last night is suddenly multiplied by a tenfold, and if I had anything in my stomach I’d probably have thrown it up the second I entered. Camilla immediately has her eyes on me, expression downturned in concern.

“Kamui, darling,” she begins, thankfully not moving from her seat, “are you feeling any better? I was up all night worrying about you.”

I manage a smile, hiding my hands under my cape to mask how badly they’re trembling. “I’m fine,” I manage. “It was just a bad dream.”

_ “Elise is thirteen, though she’s probably still asleep at this hour,”  _ Kamui informs as I settle down in the seat across from Leo. The table is still empty and I bunch my hands in my lap, swallowing dryly.  _ “Camilla is twenty four, and Xander is twenty eight.” _

I struggle, unsure how to reply back to Kamui without it seeming like I’m talking to myself — so instead I just keep my mouth shut and nod as surreptitiously as I can.

“Kamui,” Xander finally starts, after a long moment of silence, “father has been tracking your progress; it is imperative that if you are not feeling well you let us know. Today’s session has more weight to it than you realize.”

I sink back into my seat, hands beginning to tremble. A wave of unease, both my own and from Kamui, flush through my body, and I have to all but force myself to nod. The action is stiff and jerky. “I understand.”

Leo’s frown grows.

Flora and a pair of maids I don’t know the name of serve us breakfast just a few moments later, and although there’s soft conversation between the siblings I very stubbornly reject any offers to participate.

Jakob enters the room as we’re finishing, and it’s as the maids are taking away the plates that Xander rises from his seat and calls to the man. “Jakob.”

I don’t raise my eyes from the table as they speak, just barely managing to nod weakly in thanks at the maid who takes my nearly untouched plate of food before retreating away. Camilla saunters to my side, running her hand through my hair, and I nearly move away before I manage to stop myself.

“Oh, Kamui … what kind of dream could affect you in such a way?” she questions. “You are completely out of sorts, dear. Are you sure you’re feeling alright? You barely even touched your food.”

Leo sighs, before finally saying, “Camilla, you needn't to dote on Kamui so much; she’s not a child.”

“But if I don’t who will?” Camilla responds offhandedly, and Leo simply shakes his head in response. I get to my feet at the same time that Xander finishes his conversation with Jakob, and he sends a simple nod in my direction before heading out from the room.

Jakob approaches a moment later, bowing his head respectfully. “Lady Kamui, if you are ready?” he offers, and I nod. “I have prepared several pairs of shoes, as you asked, and left them out in your room.”

“T—Thank you, Jakob,” I reply, nodding my head slightly. “Will Xander be waiting for me?”

“Yes,” he replies. “Prince Leo will be accompanying you once you have finished.”

I swallow again, sparing a glance over at the blonde; Leo meets my gaze head on, unwavering, and a pit of dread forms in my stomach.

_ “Oh, this is bad,”  _ Kamui whispers, despite how completely unnecessary it is.  _ “I’ll try and walk you through anything if you want …?” _

I swallow tightly. “Alright,” I manage, in response to both Kamui and Jakob, and Leo rises from his chair, making his way to my side. “I guess we should hurry?”

“Yes,” Leo replies. “Let’s. We’ll be seeing you, Camilla,” he calls to the older woman, before the two of us exit the dining area.

And then, we’re alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> College and personal life are keeping me busy, but there won't be a long wait like this again anytime soon! Thanks to those of you who bookmarked this, I wasn't expecting anyone to pay attention to it actually so it was a pleasant surprise. Sorry for the fairly short chapters, they'll progressively get longer as it goes on, but right now I'm trying to keep them short. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh ... anyone still here? Not that there were many in the first place, but I'm back. Not really feeling up to explaining why it took so long, since it's a long and personal tale and I'm not going to bore anyone with it.
> 
> This chapter feels jumbled and awkward, but I hope someone can enjoy it.

"You were sick last night?”

I spare a glance at Leo from the corner of my eye, but he’s not even looking at me. His eyes are fixated ahead of us and he’s fallen back a bit, forcing me to lead the way. Kamui gives me directions as we go, and I do my best not to look around or stare at anything.

“Yeah,” I say, swallowing dryly. “Well, not sick — nightmare,” I elaborate.

Leo hums. “A nightmare. Hm.” We turn a corner, and I hesitate for a moment when Kamui pauses with her directions. “What about?”

“Um …”

 _“Keep straight until you pass the courtyard,”_ Kamui tells me. I continue on my way.

“I … don’t fully remember,” I lie, my voice cracking a bit. “It hurt though … a lot. I think I —” I wince, “—died.”

Leo blinks, his cool facade falling momentarily. “You died and felt pain? Are you sure it wasn’t something external that caused the pain?”

“No wounds …” I mumble. “I checked.”

Leo pauses and I turn to face him. “If it’s still hurting, you can always have Elise look at it,” he offers. “She does need the practice.”

“I —” I shake my head. “No, it’s fine.”  

Leo glances at me for a long moment, but says nothing else. We reach my room soon enough, and I slouch down on the bed as I stare at the seven different pairs of shoes placed in front of me.

I go for the third pair, just picking randomly — the boots are all fairly similar in design after all — and when prompted, Kamui tells me where her socks are kept.

“I never thought I’d see the day you actually, willingly, wore shoes,” Leo muses from his spot at the doorway. “Considering the fuss you used to make when forced into them.”

I shrug, wiggling my toes experimentally to ensure they’re the right size. They are. “People change,” I reply. “Anyways … should I go meet Xander? He’s … um …” I hesitate. “Waiting for me, right?”

Leo stares at me for a long moment before nodding. “Yes. Let us be on our way.”

Both Kamui and I breathe out a sigh of relief when nothing else worth noting happens on the walk there; in fact, Leo has gone practically dead silent. It’s not unwelcomed on my end, and for once even Kamui is agreeing that silence is the best option for now.

* * *

I pant, gasping for breath as I kneel over, sword crumpling to the ground uselessly. From atop his horse Xander watches silently.

Just — _fuck he’s strong._ Even with Kamui’s body, which has obviously undergone a fair amount of physical conditioning, he still has a huge edge on me.

“Get up,” he orders, “we are not finished. You must land a blow on me today, sister.”

“I—” I cough out a wad of spit, “—can’t, Xander. It’s — I’m not strong enough.”

Xander frowns. “Are you quitting on me now? You realize that if you do not complete this task—”

“—I’ll never be allowed to leave,” I finish, ignoring how disrespectful of me it is to cut him off. He is the crowned prince of Nohr. “I-I know, but … it’s hard.”

“Up!” He bellows, and I can somehow feel Kamui jump to attention inside of my mind. “If you will not attack first then I shall — and you will not like the results of that.”

So, despite my shaking limbs and burning throat I shove to my feet, wobbling slightly as I grasp my sword in my hand. _“Please, Amelie, please don’t fail,”_ Kamui begs. _“All I’ve ever wanted was to leave the castle ... “_

 _I’m trying my best, Kamui,_ I reply. _But I’ve never done this in my life._

And so we try again. I use the tips Kamui whispers to me, as well as the muscle memory from this body — and although I don’t land any hits again I do manage to deflect and parry Xander’s attacks. Although it’s obvious he’s going easy on me, I allow myself to feel a sliver of pride.

Scrapes litter my body, and every so often a sharp pain shoots through the back of my eyes. Kamui is talking near non-stop, trying to give me tips in the heat of the moment and succeeding only half of the time. The other half it comes too late.

It feels like hours pass — I’m dripping in sweat and heaving for breath, and Xander’s frown has only grown.

“Sister … are you unwell?” he finally asks. “Your performance today has been abysmal. Shall I call Elise to check on you?”

I swallow dryly, collapsing to my knees. “No—no, I’m fine,” I rasp. “Please, let me keep trying. Please.”

 _“I don’t want to be trapped here,”_ Kamui sobs to me, and I wince. _“Please Amelie, please don’t trap us here. I want to see father and my siblings more often. Please Amelie.”_

Guilt hits me like a wrecking ball, and I have to force myself to my feet. “Please, Xander — big brother,” I correct, hoping that the title will strike some chord of sympathy in him, before repeating Kamui’s plea, “I don’t want to be trapped here. I — I want to see you, and father, and everyone more often. Please.”

“Then you must succeed, sister.” He brandishes his sword at his side. “Now rise, if you wish to not be trapped here for the rest of your life.”

A dry sob rips from my throat. _I don’t want to do this,_ I think desperately, _I don’t want to be stuck here. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I want to go home._

And then, suddenly, there’s a spark of rage — of pure anger that makes me feel like I’m burning alive. It rushes my veins, setting my blood on fire, and I hobble to my feet, stumbling over to the place that it comes from — and suddenly there’s a burst of warmth.

Xander’s eyes widen slightly. “So, you can use dragon veins. Good.”

Dragon vein — healing. Dragon veins are good.

 _“We have to keep trying, Amelie,”_ Kamui whispers. _“All we have to do is hit him. Hurry. Please.”_

_I don’t want to._

_I want to go home._

_I want to get out of hERE—_

The warmth engulfs me, swirling around my body and encasing my limbs — and I scream as fire burns me alive, except it comes out as a _roar_ as my body begins to reform itself, bones snapping and elongating _and oh god it hurts, make it stop make it stop—_

 _“I won’t let us get stuck here!”_ Kamui screams, except it comes out of my mouth and it comes out as a roar — and then, it’s like I’m watching through a window.

 _“Finally,”_ Kamui sobs, _“finally I’m back — I’m back.”_

“Xander — what happened!?”

“Camilla, stay back; don’t get close. Elise!”

“Xander? W-Where’s Kamui?”

“Kamui?”

“Kamui!”

 _“I am Kamui!”_ Kamui screams. _“I’m right here — please! Please don’t leave me!”_

“Felicia, head to the armory — retrieve it.”

“W-What? Prince Xander, are you sure—?”

“Retrieve it!”

Xander approaches on horseback, his sword drawn forward, and Kamui lashes out at him. _“Don’t hurt us!”_ she cries. _“Don’t let him touch us! Don’t touch us!”_

“What is she saying? I — I can’t understand.”

_“Xander, please help. Please don’t hurt us. Don’t leave me.”_

_Kamui,_ I slur, struggling to rein back the control of our body, _Kamui you have to stop. You’re going to hurt him._

She ignores me, continuing to lash out at anyone who approaches; Xander manages to land a rather deep cut across our leg, but with three others to support the weight it does nothing but enrage her further.

_“Stop hurting me!”_

The sun is beginning to rise by the time that Felicia returns, a small object grasped in her palm — and Kamui has been all but backed into a corner due to the numerous gashes left on her body from Xander’s sword. I can’t feel them right now, but I know that when — no, if I ever get control back then I definitely will be able to.

On the bright side she has managed to hit Xander twice — both as a product of her terror and rage.

 _“I don’t want to go back!”_ she screams. _“Amelie, please don’t make them leave me here.”_

“I can throw it. Do you — do you think it’ll do anything?”

“Allow me.”

Someone approaches, but their features are blurred out and Kamui lashes out, knocking them flat to the ground. A stone bounces away and Kamui reels back, another roar shattering the air. A roar of anguish, this time — _Kamui, please don’t hurt them anymore._

 _“Why won’t they respond; why won’t they answer me?”_ her voice is distorted and muffled, almost drowned out by another roar. There’s pain in that one. _“I’m right here, but they’re ignoring me. Why are they ignoring me, Amelie?”_

I look out the window. Camilla has retrieved the stone and is approaching carefully, and I have to physically stop Kamui from lashing out at her as she approaches. _They’re coming, Kamui. They’re coming. It’s alright._

“Kamui, come back to us,” Camilla begs. She holds out her hand, pressing the stone against Kamui’s scaled chest — and it’s foreign, because I can feel it to an extent. “Please, darling. Don’t let it consume you.”

Kamui sobs. _“Camilla, why did this happen?”_ She asks. _“Why did you let this happen to me? Why is Amelie here now?”_

The stone doesn’t help with the rage, and Kamui screams and cries as she curls in on herself; the feeling of bones reforming and rearranging is agonizing, and we curl in on ourselves, trying as hard as possible to revert back to our previous state.

It burns and aches and I find myself knelt over, finally able to gain control back from Kamui. The stone is placed into my hand by Camilla and I all but collapse, feeling the sticky blood dripping down my arms from the cuts from earlier.

“W-What just happened, Leo?” I hear a small voice ask. “Why did big sister turn into a dragon—?”

“Now’s not the time, Elise,” Leo scolds. Elise frowns, but doesn’t push the subject any further.

Xander gets down from his mount as he approaches, sword still in hand, and he kneels beside Camilla who has a hand placed on my back, rubbing circles into my shoulder blades. “Kamui. Do not release the stone.”

I nod weakly, all the strength sapped from my body. Kamui is sobbing, begging me for control and begging to be let back out—but I force her away and try to drown out the sound. “What happened?”

“Our family carries the ability to harness the Dragon Veins in this world,” Xander begins. “However, it seems you … may have been consumed by one.”

I laugh to myself despite the situation, a thread of horror overcoming me. “I became a dragon.”

“… Yes.”

I laugh again, tears burning my eyes. “I guess I’m never leaving, am I?”

Xander and Camilla exchange a look. “You landed a hit on me,” Xander admits. “You fulfilled the requirements set out by father, therefore you may leave the tower with us this afternoon.

 _No,_ I think to myself, _No, I don’t want to. I don’t want to get stuck in what will happen._

“I wish to rest,” I murmur. “My body hurts and there’s blood.”

“I-I can fix that!” Elise pipes in, hurrying to our small huddle. “Just gimme a second —” she lifts her staff and casts a spell; the wounds disappear, and the pain subsides until it’s barely noticeable. “See? I’ve been practicing a lot!”

 _“I want to go back,”_ Kamui whimpers, her cries finally stopping, _“Why can’t I go back? I was there for awhile. While a dragon. Can’t you become a dragon again? Please, Amelie. Please, please, please.”_

I block out her begging to the best of my ability, hobbling to my feet. “Xander … big brother?” I begin, my voice shaking. “Will you be telling father about this?”

Xander’s expression tightens. “… We will see,” he finally answers. “Return to your quarters and clean yourself; you’re filthy.”

Kamui is still crying, pulling at my consciousness and making my stomach twist in guilt. Despite the fact that my wounds are healed, I can’t help but limp from exhaustion and Camilla grasps my arm in support, helping me forward. We reach the bathing room eventually, and by then Kamui has stopped her tears and instead settled into a bitter, angry silence that coats me like a blanket. Slowly, Camilla unravels my hand from the stone—I’ve been gripping it so hard that I feel my fingers pop as she uncurls them.

“It’s going to be alright, Kamui,” Camilla says softly as she takes the stone from me. For a second I’m terrified that the anger will come back; that the dragon will come back out and Kamui will take over again, for real this time; permanently. But that doesn’t happen. “We’ll make this alright. Father won’t know.”

“Xander won’t tell?” I whisper, watching as she threads a chain through the hole drilled in the stone. My hair is lifted so that the stone—now necklace, actually— can rest on my chest, the chain tied at the nape of my neck. “Father will be angry.”

 _“We were so close,”_ Kamui whispers, _“if Xander tells, father will be so mad. He’ll never let me see sunlight again.”_

Kamui’s words make me feel sick. I allow Camilla to strip me from my armor and help me into an already drawn bath, barely shivering when her cold hands brush across my aching limbs. She washes the grime and dirt from my body, not allowing me to do a single thing, and it’s like I’m a child again.

“You did as you were told,” she replies, and although her voice is soft there’s an edge to it. “You landed a hit; how you did so does not matter. It’s insignificant, sweetheart.”

Kamui’s emotions rush through me with such a ferocity that tears blur my vision. The relief, the desperation, the happiness … all of it hits me like a wave. “I’m not trapped?” I ask, my voice cracking weakly, and I’m not sure if it’s me or Kamui who is really speaking. “I can leave?”

“You can leave,” Camilla replies. “You can leave, Kamui. You’re going to be with us forever.”

Sobs wrack my body, but from what emotion I can’t tell. Kamui’s are obvious; but my own are the complete opposite. Dread, fear, anguish — because I know where this is going, I know what’s going to happen. I know, I know, I _know and I don’t want to be stuck in a war._

War is where people go to die, where people suffer and fear for their lives on a daily basis, and although the game tried so hard to make it black and white, the truth of the matter is—it really isn’t.

There’s no “good guys” and “bad guys” in war, no heroes and villains who fight heroically; there’s no guarantee that the so-called “good guys” will win.

Hoshido and Nohr have both done horrible things, even if only Nohr’s were broadcasted through the events of the game—and Camilla’s soft touch as she washes the suds from my hair send anger flowing through my body.

We aren’t the “bad guys” — we aren’t the only ones doing horrible things. Hoshido has their crimes, has their own horrors and atrocities they’ve committed, and my teeth grind together as I realize where this is going.

If I don’t stop it, I’ll be kidnapped again; taken to Hoshido and attempted to turn onto their side, and the thought makes me sick.

I’ve been ripped away from my home once—I can’t let it happen again.

Camilla, Leo, Xander — they aren’t my family, but they are Kamui’s, and the want and desperation I can feel from the girl is enough to solidify my feelings on the subject. She wants to stay with them, stay with the siblings she grew up loving. She doesn’t want to leave.

I know the path that I’ll walk, when it comes down to it.

I know the way it’ll play out, if I do nothing. If I stand back and let the story go as it will, I know who will die, who will live … and I can’t let that happen.

 _Kamui,_ I start softly, when Camilla helps me from the bath and offers me a towel to dry off, _I promise I’ll protect you. I’ll protect what you want._

 _“Will you keep us safe?”_ she asks back. _“You’ll listen to me?”_

 _… Not forever. Not always._ The armor is harder to get back on the second time around, especially since I’m still somewhat damp from the bath. My body aches. _But I will do my best. I won’t leave your family._

Kamui is silent for a long time, and I’ve began to wonder if she actually disappeared when she whispers back a soft, _“Thank you, Amelie.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw the song that basically inspired this entire story is the acoustic version of the parasyte opening https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GA-67fz0VVU 
> 
> all I had to do to get this written was listen to this song on repeat for like ten minutes straight lmao


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoo fast update 
> 
> this is also a mess but I'm trying lol

Thanks to my promise, Kamui has thankfully calmed down by the time noon rolls around — Jakob serves me lunch in my own room, where I’ve holed myself up in since Camilla let me go from the bath, and I pick at the food he presents to me as I talk idly with Kamui.

“You can’t lose control like that, Kamui,” I say softly, rubbing between my toes with my fingers. “You could’ve killed Xander. Or Camilla. Don’t you love them?”

_“Of course I do!”_ she protests. _“But you don’t understand … I just … I felt so overwhelmed, with power and anger and sadness and—”_ her voice trails off into a whisper, _“I was so upset. I just wanted them to see that I’m still here.”_

“You _are_ still here, though,” I protest, “Kamui—I might’ve taken your body, but … you’re still here.”

_“And I can’t make you listen to me,”_ she replies. _“You don’t ever listen to me … Amelie, why can’t I just be in control? It’s my body.”_

It’s the same question she’s asked numerous times over the last twelve hours, and I sigh, rubbing my arm gingerly. Despite Elise healing up the deep gashes and wounds left from Xander’s sword, my body still aches. I didn’t bother to check in the bath if there were scars left from the battle. I don’t want to check, to be honest.

“If you’re in control … bad things will happen.” I break off another piece of the biscuit, picking at it with my fingers. “I can stop that from happening. I can stop you from leaving your family.”

Kamui hesitates. _“How do you know?”_

“Just … I do.” My body aches. The gunshot wounds still hurt, despite there being nothing there. “When I got put into this body, I could tell. I knew it.”

Our conversation is interrupted when a knocking fills the room, followed by a childish voice calling out, “Big sister? It’s Elise! I’m coming in now.”

I straighten my posture as the girl steps in, her small frame dressed in the elaborate dress from the game. Unlike the game, though, Elise definitely looks like a _kid —_ and Kamui’s earlier words come back to me.

Thirteen years old … just a year older than my own little brother. The thought makes my throat tighten up, and I force away those memories. “Big sister?” Elise starts. “Xander wanted me to come check on you before we leave. Are you still hurting anywhere?”

“I—” I swallow dryly. “No, I’m fine, Elise. Thank you.”

“Are you sure?” Her face twists into a worried frown. “You were bleeding a lot earlier and crying—are you sure you’re OK? I can really check! You saw, I’ve gotten a lot better at healing magic, right?”

“Elise,” I interrupt, “I’m really alright, OK? I’m just … thinking.”

Elise hesitates, before nodding. A smile stretches across her lips. “I was so worried about you, Kamui — I’m glad you’re feeling better now.”

“Thanks for checking up on me.” I get to my feet. “I appreciate it, Elise.”

She giggles. “Hehe. Do you like it when I visit? Now that you got permission, we can see each other a whole lot more! Won’t it be great?”

_“I love spending time with Elise,”_ Kamui tells me, _“It’s always so lonely at the fortress … her and my other sibling’s visits are all that I had to look forward to for a long time.”_

A twinge of sympathy tugs at my heart at Kamui’s words. I offer a shaky smile back to the girl in front of me. “Yeah … I really enjoy seeing you, Elise. Thanks for visiting me so often.”

The smile on her face grows into a grin, and she clasps her hands behind her back, bouncing back on her heels. “You’re welcome, big sister! Spending time with you always makes me so happy!”

She throws her arms around my waist, pulling me into a tight hug that practically knocks the breath out of me, and I choke back a cry of pain when my body protests in pain. I cover it up with a faked laugh, my hands shaking in pain, and when Elise pulls away she looks at me with wide eyes. “I love you so much—I love you more than anything in the whole, wide world; so … so take care of yourself, Kamui.” She hugs me again, her chin resting on my shoulder, and I gingerly wrap my arms around the younger girl, hugging her back, if only for Kamui’s sake.

_“Oh, Elise …”_ Kamui sounds like she’s on the verge of tears, and I tighten my hold on the medic. _“Elise, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry it’s not really me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry …”_

Elise pulls away after another moment, taking my hand in hers and tugging me forward. “C’mon, everyone else is waiting for us—we’re gonna visit father! You’re finally gonna get to leave this dark, gloomy old castle.” She waits patiently for me to pull my boots on before leading me out by the hand, her smile not wavering the entire time, and my stomach clenches when Kamui cries out softly in anguish.

_I’m sorry, Kamui,_ I tell the girl, _I’m sorry I stole your life. But I promise, I’ll make it worth it. I’ll make it worth all the pain, alright? So just stay strong._

* * *

_“So … you just, uh, grip onto the handle thing first; well, you have to get on the horse, first,”_ Kamui attempts to explain to me how to ride horseback; something she’s only done a few times, despite spending so much time at the stables in the past. _“Just … jump! Jump!”_

_I’m trying!_ I shoot back, struggling to heft my body up onto the large animal. I’ve just begun to get used to the height difference between this body and my old one, and Leo watches with amusement as I struggle.

“Sister … you really are clumsy, aren’t you?” He makes his way over to me. “Let me help you.”

Lilith watches from afar, a strange look on her face. By the time I’ve finally mounted the horse Leo looks like he’s fighting back a laugh at my predicament, and Kamui is sighing at me. I feel unsteady on the animal and I take the reigns in my hands tightly, wiggling uncomfortably on the saddle.

Gunther nods, already mounted on his own horse, and once everyone is ready we depart from the fortress. A wave of awe and relief rushes my body as we exit the gates — I can practically feel Kamui grinning.

She’s so _happy._

She has no idea what’s coming.

Despite traveling through the rest of the day, we don’t reach the capital until the next day. The sun is already setting when we finally cross through the first gate of Windmire; we stop by the stables to leave our horses before continuing on foot to the castle, and I find myself falling behind everyone else as we walk, my eyes drawn to the city around us.

It takes awhile of walking to finally reach the entrance to the castle, and Elise runs forward, pausing to turn around and wave at me before hurrying on, her hand clasping onto Camilla’s tightly as the two of them converse.

It feels … wrong, for me to be here.

Foreign.

_This isn’t my family._

Fear begins to settle in the further down we go, the closer we get to King Garon — and a cold sweat breaks out across my back when we enter the courtyard. There’s no one around, not yet at least.

But soon there will be.

Kamui either doesn’t notice or ignores my fear, because her own thoughts are filled with excitement as she chatters on mindlessly about how much she’s _dreamed of this day coming,_ about how badly she’s wanted to just spend her days with her siblings, training to become part of the Nohrian army.

Garon meets us at the back of the stone courtyard, his head held high and face straightened into an even expression. “I see you made it here safely,” he begins. “Kamui.”

I straighten up, a pinprick of fear traveling my body. “Y-Yes … father?” I barely remember to tack on the formality. “It’s … it has been a while.”

_“It’s been so long since I’ve visited Castle Krakenburg … I’ve wanted to see father for a long time,”_ Kamui muses. _“It’s like I’m dreaming … I’m so happy. Thank you, Amelie.”_

_You got us here,_ I remind her, with only a slight amount of bitterness. _We’d still be at the fortress if not for you._

“It is thanks to your diligence that you are here,” Garon tells us. “I am told you have become quite the warrior.” His expression doesn’t change. “You finally possess the strength to be an instrument of Nohr’s power to the world.”

I swallow dryly, a tremble wracking my body. I hide my hands under my cloak, nodding shakily. Elise frowns. “But  father … will she be alright outside the fortress?”

“Yes, I worry as well,” Camilla agrees. “Isn’t it dangerous for Kamui to live outside the fortress’s magical barrier?”

_Wait, what? What barrier?_ I ask Kamui. _What’s the barrier there for?_

_“I don’t know,”_ Kamui replies. _“They just said it was to protect me from the Hoshidans. I’ve never questioned it.”_

“Kamui has proved herself capable,” Garon grunts. “Or so I have been told. If she has managed to wound Xander in combat, then she is more than able to protect herself outside the barrier.”

He turns his attention back to me. “Kamui; as you know, Nohr is at war with the eastern kingdom of Hoshido.” He waits for me to nod before continuing, “We of the royal family are descendants of the ancient gods, the First Dragons. As inheritors of that divine strength, we conquer those who oppose us with ease. One who learns to wield that power can destroy an entire army of common troops.”

A jolt of fear shocks through me, the dragonstone suddenly feeling ten times as heavy around my neck; it’s as if it’s become a noose. Does he know? How did he _find out?_

“Xander, Camilla, and Leo have already shown that they possess this power,” he continues, thankfully not noticing my sudden distress, “I expect no less from you.”

“I—I won’t disappoint you, father,” I reply back weakly, my shaking increasing. Kamui begins to say something to me, but I ignore her questions and try to keep myself calm, at least externally. This is not the place to show fear. “I promise that.”

Garon narrows his eyes. “… You show promise,” he notes. “But you will need a suitable weapon in order to serve Nohr.”

I jerk back when a flash of purple magic appears in front of me, manifesting into a long, curved sword. I meet Garon’s eyes, and his eyes twinkle dangerously as he tell me, “This is the Ganglari. It is infused with magic from another world … you will wield it, and with it by your side you will crush the Hoshidan army with ease.”

_“Wow,”_ Kamui gasps, in awe. _“It’s amazing looking … can we touch it? Hey, Amelie — touch it!”_

I tremble, not daring to reach for the weapon yet. “T-Thank you, father,” I practically force the words from my mouth, my throat suddenly dry. “I will wield it proudly.”

“Now,” he begins, “let us see you put that sword to its proper use … bring out the prisoners!”

My heart drops to my feet. _“Prisoners?”_ Kamui questions, but I’m too terrified to pay attention to her words. My heart is hammering in my chest as four people are lead out in front of us, their hands clasped firmly behind their backs in shackles, their faces worn from exhaustion and fatigue. They direct a dirty look in our direction. I grab the sword out of the air, turning to look at them.

“Listen well,” Garon says evenly, suddenly right behind me.  He places his hands on my shoulders, pressing down with just enough weight to make my knees tremble. “These are prisoners from our most recent skirmish with Hoshido.” I suck in a terrified breath. “I want to see your power with my own eyes … use this sword to strike them down.”

My eyes return to the weapon grasped tightly in my hand. It suddenly feels as if it weighs a ton — and Kamui is already protesting, begging, ordering me not to hurt them, not to kill them but I _don’t. Listen._

“Yes, father,” I say softly, my voice cracking. “I will do as you order.”

“Father, is this really necessary?” Xander questions. “Kamui has proven her strength to me—I know her to be a valuable asset to our army. Must you test her again?”

“I must see it with my own eyes,” Garon replies smoothly, removing his hands from my shoulders and taking a step back. “You will not interfere. Kamui and her retainers shall deal with this on their own.”

_Or else._ The words are implied and I shudder at the threat. Or else you’ll be killed, or else you’ll be punished — I’ve escaped death once. I won’t meet it again.

“Lady Kamui, allow us to deal with this — do not soil your hands with such filth,” Jakob tells me. “Afterwards, I will prepare you some tea.”

I drown out what the Hoshidans say, ignoring their words and threats — and only when an angry snarl crosses the courtyard do I turn to the dark skinned woman. “What?”

“I asked for your name, Nohrian princess,” the tribal woman throws back, her voice rough. “Do you not have any manners?”

I grit my teeth. Don’t give your name. Don’t give your name, it’ll give it all away — it’ll lead to your kidnapping. “That is not your business,” I hiss back. “All you need to know is I’ll kill you today.”

The words are bolder than I expect them to be, and a sick feeling forms in my stomach. The green haired man crosses his now-freed arms over his chest. “I am a ninja of Hoshido — show me what you can do.”

“Kill them all,” Garon orders coldly. I nod.

_“Amelie,”_ Kamui begins, a protest already evident in her voice, _“Amelie, you can’t — you can’t take all these people on! You’ll die! We’ll die!”_

There’s a familiar feeling ahead of me, and I stumble forward, feeling the magic from the Dragon Vein fill my blood—and I activate it, the dragonstone practically vibrating against my chest, and thankfully rather than turn into a dragon this time the debris is simply cleared, leaving a walled up area for us to retreat to.

“Remember, my lady, this is no mock battle,” Gunther tells me as we move forward. “One wrong move can cost you your life. Remember your training.”

_Training. What training?_ I don’t voice those words, swallowing back a terrified protest and instead nodding. _I’m going to die here._

_No—I won’t die here._

_I can’t._

The Hoshidans move, and so do we — Gunther slashes down one of them as soon as they’re within range, blood spurting out of the man’s body as he crumples to the floor, a howl of agony ripped from his throat. The spear stabs through the back of his head seconds afterwards, a ominous crunch reverberating through the courtyard as the weapon smashes through his skull.

“Behold the might of the Flame Tribe!” The woman screams as she smashes her club down at me; I barely manage to bring up the sword to block her attack, Jakob tossing a dagger in her direction and forcing her to retreat. She lunges forward again, swinging forward, and one of the spikes slashes through my arm and rips a pained cry from my mouth. I swing at her, pushing her back, and Jakob takes his place in front of me, throwing another dagger.

I duck beneath the wall when the ninja — Kaze, my mind supplies — tosses a throwing star at me, and Gunther protects the two of us from behind when the second Hoshidan attempts to attack us from behind.

I scoot backwards, attempting to gain some distance from the tribal woman — only to cry out in pain when something slices right across my cheek. I feel blood drip down my cheek, and look up in time to see Kaze lunge for me; I smash into the ground, my head smashing against the cobblestone ground; the tongue gets caught between my teeth and blood fills my mouth, and he removes a dagger from his waist-pouch. I try to kick him off of me, only for the dagger to come to rest right at my throat—and my breathing hitches in fear.

Jakob is dealing with the tribal woman, whose name I can’t remember, and Gunther is on the other side of the wall, leaving me helpless—alone.

The sword is within reach.

_“Amelie, don’t!”_ Kamui shrieks, when I grasp for the weapon. The dagger digs further into the skin of my throat, pain blurring my vision, and when I fail to gain a hold on the sword I instead swing my fist into the side of his face, knocking him off balance. He slams into the floor, rolling a bit until his back is at the wall, and I stumble to my knees, grabbing for the Ganglari. Blood drips down my throat, into the crevice of my armor. My knees feel weak.

I approach.

_“Don’t kill him—don’t kill him!”_ She begs. _“Please, Amelie, they’re prisoners; it isn’t their fault they’re on the wrong side! Please don’t kill them—”_

“Kamui,” I whisper, my voice hoarse, “I don’t have a choice. You’ll thank me, later.”

I slash forward, ignoring the screaming in my head—and Kaze slumps back against the stone wall, blood soaking through the fabric of his chest. The wound is deep, and I stumble when a horrible burst of pain crashes into me, nearly toppling me over. Taking advantage of my distraction, Kaze tosses another throwing star —and this one lodges itself inside my body, making me cry out in pain. Another two slam through my arms, sending me back a few steps, and I grit my teeth to keep from screaming in pain.

“I regret … nothing,” he coughs out, his hand pressed up against the wound in an attempt to slow the bleeding. “If this is how it ends … so be it.”

“Nohrian _scum!”_ the woman screams, before another pained cry escapes her lips and she crashes down beside Kaze, her eyes scrunched up in pain. “You will pay for this …”

“No,” I mutter, gritting my teeth to fight back the pain as I raise my arm up to finish the two of them off, “we won’t.”

My voice shakes, my hands trembling, the shuriken digging deeper into my flesh and making each motion hurt; the cut on my throat is still bleeding, my head is pounding from when it slammed into ground and—

_“Amelie!”_ There’s a jerk on my arm—but when I turn, no one is there. My chest burns, and I gasp, suddenly unable to breathe. _“Don’t—don’t! You can’t!”_

I grit my teeth— from the sidelines, Garon snaps, “Don’t just stand there, idiot girl; finish them!”

_“They’re helpless prisoners!”_ Kamui screams back, even though it’s useless. _“We can’t execute them; they’ve been beaten already!”_

“F-Father,” I gasp, “I’m—”

“I order you to _kill them!”_ He bellows. I struggle, the shuriken in my body burning with every movement—and I jerk my arm forward, managing to slam the sword down in front of Kaze. He barely flinches. “If you do not obey …”

The dragonstone vibrates again, and I feel Kamui pushing, shoving, _grabbing for control_ and it brings me to my knees as I struggle against the girl, the sword slipping from my grasp — the shuriken is barely noticeable anymore.

Garon growls, and before I can even look up an explosion of magic has flown towards us. Kaze takes the brunt of it, an agonized scream dredging from his already raw throat—the sound makes my ears ring. The woman hisses out something else, a bloody cough ripping from her throat, and I feel the heat from the flames lick at my body.

The smell of burnt flesh is acerbic. Kamui is crying. I take advantage of her sudden weakness to rip the shuriken from my body, tossing it to the floor, and turning my gaze to the woman.

“I’d say I’m sorry,” I tell her, my voice shaking, and just barely loud enough for the two of us to hear, “but I’m not.”

“Go ahead,” she hisses back, “you Nohrians are all the same. Disgusting. Have you no empathy?”

“Kill her,” Garon’s voice is like ice. “Now.”

I raise the sword—and then, without another thought, I squeeze my eyes shut and slam it down. It meets flesh.

The woman wheezes, and I don’t open my eyes, my hands shaking so badly that I’m barely able to keep my grip on the sword. I drop to my knees, ears ringing and head burning from the feeling of Kamui lashing out. It hurts, it hurts, it _hurts Kamui stop, stop it stop it this is for us, for us to survive why don’t you gET THAT—_

“Father!” Xander calls out, his voice taking an edge of franticness to it. “Haven’t you seen enough? Kamui has proved herself, has she not?”

“She has not executed the prisoners as I ordered,” Garon replies coldly. “She dares to defy me directly like this?”

“She is injured; she does not understand our situation yet,” Xander argues. “Please, father, forgive her.”

Garon pauses. “… Fine. Xander, you kill them. And if anyone gets in your way, kill them too.”

I manage to pry my eyes open as Jakob pulls me to my feet, and I spare a look down at the woman below me—the sword is impaled in her belly, and she’s writhing in pain, her jaw clenched and hands scrambling for something to hold onto. To deal with the pain.

My head hurts.

It aches.

_“Why?”_ Kamui whispers, as Xander steps forward, his face set into a grim determination. _“Why does this have to happen? Why, why, why?”_

“Do not get in the way, Kamui,” Xander tells me softly, his voice firm. “If you do, I will be forced to—” he cuts himself off, his words grinding to a halt, as if he can’t even bare to say it. “… You will stand down.”

The stone vibrates.

And suddenly, I’m looking through a window—Kamui takes over, lunging out of Jakob’s hold and forward at Xander as if she intends to stop him, only for the flat part of his sword to slam into her knocking her—us to the ground. Pain flashes through my body.

“Why not show mercy?” She snaps, arms trembling, and I struggle to reign back control; but every time I get close, it slips away. “Why do we have to kill them, Xander? They’re already beaten—we’ve already gravely wounded them!”

Xander looks down at us, his eyes hard. “Then think of it this way,” he begins, “we are putting them out of their misery.”

Kamui screams, her hands clawing at the stone; body too weak to get up, too damaged from the fight, from my own wounds—and I hear Elise whimper in the background. Kamui tries to get up, only to have a foot planted on her stomach, and she bites into her tongue hard.

“No, no, no—Leo, what should we do?” Elise asks desperately, her voice shaking. “What do we do?”

I struggle against Kamui. The stone vibrates—once, twice, a third time; then, finally, I rip her back, forcing myself back into the controls, before I roll over and spit out a wad of blood. “Fine,” I whisper, “do it. Do it, Xander. Put them out of their misery.”

Xander hesitates, his expression flashing between concern and distress, and before either of us can do anything there’s a flash—and suddenly, the two remaining prisoners are gone. The Ganglari clatters to the ground, and I let my head rest on my arms, shoulders shaking from exertion.

“There, father,” Leo begins, his voice arrogant, “I have dispatched our enemies on behalf of my softhearted sister. I have finished what she could not.”

Garon grunts. Leo continues with, “I only ask that you be merciful in your punishment of her …”

“Enough!” He snaps. “I will consider the matter later. Bring Kamui to her quarters and leave her there until I decide what to do with her.”

With that he turns, exiting the courtyard, and we’re silent for a long moment before a ragged cough breaks from my mouth. Kamui is sobbing, but it’s a dry one; her voice doesn’t crack like it did earlier.

_What have you done,_ I ask her, my eyes slipping shut as terror consumes me. _Kamui, what have you done?_

Finally, after a long moment, Xander props me up, slipping an arm under my back to heft me upwards; I whimper in pain, and he hushes me. “Quiet, Kamui.” My legs are weak, and he lifts me fully so that he’s holding me. I let my head rest against his padded shoulder, blinking through tears.

I’m going to die. _I’m going to die._

“Stop crying,” Leo mutters, as we approach. “You’re only making it worse on yourself.”

I try to reign in my sobs, but it doesn’t work. I’m scared, I’m scared— _Kamui why?_

_“They were beaten,”_ she whispers back, _“there was no reason to execute them. Why did they have to die?”_

“The battle is over,” Xander says to the both of us, his grip on me tightening a fraction. “Mark my words, Kamui … one day, an act of kindness like this may be the death of you. It nearly was today.”

I swallow thickly. There’s still blood lingering in my mouth from when Kamui bit our tongue. “I wasn’t being kind,” I force the words out of my mouth. “I tried. I tried, Xander.”

Xander says nothing to me. He turns to the guards, ordering, “Examine the prisoner’s belongings and bring them to my quarters.”

“Y-Yes your highness!”

I let my head loll back, eyes weak and struggling to stay open. My body hurts. “Leo … did you kill them?”

_Please say yes. Please, say yes._

_I don’t want to die._

_I don’t want to be taken._

“It was only enough to weaken them—more so than they already were, that is.” He sighs. “I should have followed father’s orders … but Camilla and Elise always make such a fuss when I do anything to upset you.”

“They … they won’t survive.” I flex my hand, my vision beginning to blur around the edges. Numbness is creeping in. “I killed them.”

“Whether they survive is on them, not us. We gave them the chance.” Leo scoffs, before turning on his heel. “Xander, we should get Kamui healed.”

“… Yes,” Xander agrees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no matter how hard Amelie tries, the story just continues. Poor girl.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters are starting to get longer now

Despite being proficient at healing magic for her age, according to Kamui at least, Elise isn’t able to heal all of the wounds from the battle; the fact that I likely have some form of a concussion, according to one of the medics at the palace, only confirms the fact that I was really, really out of my league back there.

My stomach tightens when I think over the fight, over my failures—over  _ everything. _

Kaze and the tribal woman, whatever her name happened to be … they can’t live. They  _ can’t.  _ Because if they do then I’ll be kidnapped, and then taken away to Hoshido where they’ll try and brainwash me and I can’t. Let. That happen.

Despite being shaken up by the previous violence and cruelty, Kamui has expressed nothing less than a desperate wish to stay with her family; the Nohrians, that is, and after seeing first hand what they’re capable of, I’m not too keen on betraying them to the “good guys”.

Good guys don’t win wars. 

Good guys don’t survive.

Leo comes into my room later that night, while I’m sprawled out across the massive bed, covers drawn up to my chin and back facing the door. Kamui is angry or something, but not enough to actually ignore my invitations to talk—she’s just … soft, like that.

Softhearted is the word that Leo used to describe her.

He was right.

“Kamui,” he begins, and I hear the door shut behind him before he tells me, “the prisoners are alive.”

I shiver, biting back a sob that threatens to escape. My emotions have been volatile since this evening, when everything I tried to do, tried to accomplish was ground into dust. I’m in danger, now.

I know what will happen, and I can’t do anything to stop it.

Taking my reaction wrong, Leo sighs to himself. “You know, sister … you can’t keep defying father so blatantly like that. It will get you killed.”

I say nothing, suddenly overtaken by anger. Didn’t he see—how couldn’t he see that I was  _ trying?  _ I stabbed the woman through the stomach, left her squirming and writhing in pain; I slashed Kaze across the chest, threatened to kill them both,  _ tried to kill them both but none of that matters because I didn’t fucking succeed. _

“You should’ve let them die,” I say softly, once I’m sure my emotions are firmly locked down. I can’t afford to have another outburst. I can’t afford to give Kamui room to take over. “It would’ve been better. It’s not like they’re going to live long anyways.”

Leo is silent for a long time. “Elise healed them.”

I jerk, panic slamming through my body so hard that I tremble, and while Kamui’s emotions are relief I’m flooded by the urge to flee.

No, no,  _ no— _ this can’t happen, this can’t be happening. They’re supposed to die, I was supposed to kill them and be  _ safe. _

_ You screwed us,  _ I tell Kamui, resisting the urge to laugh fearfully.  _ Kamui, you have no idea what you’ve done. _

_ “I did what was right,”  _ she argues, but even her own words are weak. She can feel my emotions; we’re one, now. Although she can’t understand why I’m so afraid, she can feel the fear just as strongly as I can.  _ “How can killing defeated prisoners ever be right?” _

“Just … leave me alone,” I finally croak, and I’m not sure who I’m talking to at this point; both of them, probably. “You made a mistake. You should’ve let them die.”

I hate you. I  _ hate you. _

I try to believe those words, but no matter how much I try I can’t; because while I’ve only known Kamui for a few days now, becoming fused with someone can really do a lot to a person. Especially when it comes to compassion and empathy.

If it was anyone else, I’d hate them. I’d want them dead, suffering for what they’ve done to me. But with Kamui … all I want to do is curl up and cry, because I can’t protect her properly if I’m in danger.

The urge to protect her has grown stronger, for some reason. It’s a feeling I’ve only felt towards my own little brother, while watching him cry and suffer—the urge to shelter and protect him from harm, so that he’d never have to suffer again … it’s a feeling that, for some reason, has extended to Kamui herself.

This isn’t my life to live, but I’m here living it anyways—so I have to make the most of it and  _ live _ for myself, and for Kamui. Keep the both of us alive because, in the long run, it’s better than disobeying and watching the story I know so well unravel and tear us to pieces.

Because, while Kamui might survive, I won’t. And Kamui isn’t in charge anymore.

So therefore, there’s really no choice for me.

I must obey—I must listen, I must not argue.

Stay alive.

_ Stay alive. _

That’s all that matters, at this point.

* * *

Elise visits the next day, her voice softer than usual. “Kamui?” She calls out tentatively, and I don’t open my eyes. “Father has called for you.”

I haven’t moved in hours; my body is rigid and uncomfortable, my fingers numb and wrist aching, head pounding—but at those words I force myself up, ignoring how ruined my hair must look from hours of just laying in bed. Elise frowns.

“Big sister … I know you must be scared,” she starts, “but I’ll help you as much as possible; we can go in together. This is father, after all — he has to forgive you … right?” She trails off into a question, her own voice wavering with uncertainty. “He has to. You tried really hard, after all. You just got too hurt. I wish I could’ve helped you.”

“I hope you’re right,” I whisper back, despite knowing it won’t be true. The punishment will be fierce; I will die. I can’t survive.

Garon will send his minion with me, and he will kill me. He will try to kill me and, if he doesn’t succeed, the Hoshidans will get me.

The game left Kamui there for a matter of days, at most; realistically, I know it’s more likely to be months.

Kamui won’t survive.

She’ll become conflicted—she’ll become unsure and scared, fearful of the truth, wondering who to trust.

So I can’t let it happen.

If I fail, and we end up in Hoshido … I won’t grow weak. I won’t waver.

Good guys don’t win. Good guys die, in the end.

I won’t die. I won’t let Kamui die.

Elise helps me put myself together, seeing how Camilla is nowhere in sight, and she clasps my hand tightly in her own smaller one. “It’s gonna be alright,” she attempts to soothe me with a smile, but I can see the uncertainty shining in her eyes. “Deep breaths, OK?”

I breathe in a shuddering breath.

It doesn’t help.

_ “Father will understand,”  _ Kamui mutters to herself, as we approach the massive door.  _ “He will forgive us. I know it, Amelie.” _

_ Oh, Kamui,  _ I think, swallowing dryly as I prop the door open and filter into the room,  _ if only it worked that way. I’m sorry I failed you. _

Garon’s chamber is massive and the throne he sits upon makes him seem even more intimidating than he already is. My knees feel weak, and I swallow thickly before dropping down to one knee and lowering my head into a bow. “F-Father … I apologize for my disobedience in the courtyard. I am sorry for not executing the prisoners as ordered.”

“Hmp.” He stares down at me, his chin propped up on his palm, expression disinterested. “Kamui. You disobeyed a direct order from me … ordinarily, you would not be alive.”

_ I tried,  _ I want to scream.  _ I tried, but she wouldn’t let me obey. Please don’t hurt me. Please don’t send me away. _

But I swallow those words, letting my head dip further down. At least it hides the way my jaw is clenched in fear. “I … I understand. Thank you for your kindness, father. Thank you for taking mercy on me.”

“You grovel like a servant,” he points out. “Have you no shame? Raise your head and speak to me like you mean it.”

“Father—” Elise start, only to be harshly cut off by Garon’s snap.

“Silence!” Elise immediately goes quiet, clasping her hands behind her back. I raise my head as told, keeping my shoulders straight and relaxing my jaw. “As you are my child, Kamui, I will grant you some leeway.” His lips twitch slightly, before returning to the same frown as earlier. “I have something in mind for you. A mission.”

A weight drops in my stomach. I feel panic begin to creep forward, and I force myself to swallow it back and show nothing. “If you complete this task successfully,” Garon begins, “then I will pardon your crime in full.”

“I … your kindness is much appreciated, father.” I squeeze my eyes shut, my breaths becoming more and more shallow as the panic grows. He’s going to get me, he’s going to try and  _ kill me,  _ the Hoshidans will find me and take me and then—

“There is an abandoned fortress perched on the Hoshidan border,” father informs me, “I wish to know if the building there remains serviceable. You are to travel to the site and inspect the premises. No battle will be required.”

_ “Huh … sounds easy enough,”  _ Kamui notes.  _ “I guess father isn’t as mad as we thought; see, Amelie? You freaked out for nothing!” _

_ No,  _ I send back,  _ no, Kamui. There will be fighting. The Hoshidans will be there. _

Kamui takes a second to respond.  _ “Huh? How would you know that? Father just said it’s abandoned!” _

“Do you understand?” Garon’s voice snaps me out of my conversation with Kamui. “I won’t tolerate being disappointed twice.”

I nod. “Yes, father. … I will do as you ask. Thank you.”

Elise grasps my hand tightly when we exit the throne room, sending me an encouraging smile. “See, big sister? It went fine! Father’s gonna forgive you in no time.”

I gulp in a breath of air, the weight on my chest relieving as we get further and further away from the throne room. “Elise … I …” I trail off, before offering the girl a weak smile. “… Thanks for the support.” 

We meet the rest of our siblings in some room that Elise leads me to, and after informing them of the task, three grim faces look back at me.

“Darling, are you sure you’re going to be OK out there? I don’t like this …” Camilla is seated next to me, her hand caressing my hair. I shiver, but say nothing. “What if something awful happens?”

I squeeze my hands together, not meeting her face. I hate how her thoughts are practically a mirror of mine, except she doesn’t have anything more than a hunch to go on. “I must gain father’s approval back,” I tell her simply, unable to muster up a lie about how it will go fine. “So if it means I must put myself in danger, then I will.”

Leo watches the two of us from across the table, his arms crossed over his chest as he leans back in the plush chair. “If you’d simply followed father’s instructions in the first place, this wouldn’t have happened,” he points out. “You know, it isn’t like Father to be so forgiving.”

_ “What? What does he mean? Amelie, ask him—why wouldn’t father forgive me so easily?”  _ Kamui questions.  _ “Or … us, I mean.” _

Before I can ask, though, Elise huffs, leaning forward on the table towards the boy. “Oh hush, Leo! You don’t gotta be so worried all the time. Sheesh.” After a moment she adds on, “And stop trying to scare Kamui before her first mission!”

_ Too late,  _ I think to myself.  _ Way too late, Elise. But I appreciate the thought. _

“Hm …” Camilla hums, retracting her hand from my hair so she can lean into her palm, “I suppose that I’ll just have to come along. That way, I know that Kamui will be safe.”

Xander frowns. “Camilla, we both know father will not allow for such a thing. This is Kamui’s mission, not yours.”

“Yes, but that’s never stopped father from allowing us to accompany each other,” Camilla argues. “Sending poor Kamui out there by herself is a suicide mission.”

The door slides open, and a smooth voice calls out to us. “Yes, Lady Camilla. Prince Xander is correct; it is not possible for you to accompany Kamui.”

A pale, black haired man stares back at us, his expression unreadable, and Camilla’s gaze turns to him. “Oh? Why ever not, Iago?”

“King Garon intends this expedition as a test, of sorts,” he tells us. “As his top advisor, I have been entrusted with coordination this mission … he would like to know whether Princess Kamui is worthy. After all, she is part of the royal lineage”

Elise frowns. “But didn’t Kamui prove herself back at the courtyard? She almost—she killed those Hoshidans, after all!”

“No, Lady Elise; Prince Leo killed those Hoshidans. Kamui simply weakened them.” He tips the door open a bit more, allowing a large, balding man to step through and stand beside him. Immediately Xander’s posture stiffens, but he says nothing. “Your assistance would simply muddy the results. However, King Garon has been kind enough to allow Hans to accompany her on the mission.”

Immediately a wave of unease passes through me when I look at Hans. His expression is scrunched up, his face ugly and not unlike that of a pig—and he gives me a sickening smile that makes me want to run in the opposite direction.

For once, Kamui agrees with me.

“Milady,” he introduces, the smile not wavering. “I am Hans … a veteran warrior. I ensure you, no trouble will befall you while I am around.”

I swallow thickly, and my voice is hoarse sounding when I offer a weak, “… Thank you for your assistance,” back at the man.

“You will leave tomorrow at dawn, Kamui, so prepare yourself.” Iago nods to the five of us before exiting the room, Hans following after him. It’s only after the door has shut behind them that Xander turns his eyes over to me.

“Kamui,” he begins, his voice firm. “I’d be wary of that man if I were you.”

“W—Why?” I stammer. “Is there something wrong with him?”

Xander is silent for a moment before he explains, “He is a criminal. A murderer and a scoundrel; I arrested him myself years ago.” He sighs to himself, continuing with, “Father seems to think he is rehabilitated, but I am not so sure.”

“That said, he is a formidable soldier. Regardless … keep your guard up and wits about while around him.”

I nod, suddenly unable to speak. Memories rush my head—of Hans attacking the Hoshidans, enciting battle between our forces; attacking Kamui, sending her careening to the bottom of the Bottomless Canyon; of meeting Azura, of waking up with the tribal woman and being taken back to the capital of Hoshido …

This is bad.

_ “How do you know all that stuff?”  _ Kamui asks uneasily.  _ “That’s the future, right? But it can’t be; there’s no way you could know the future.” _

_ … Don’t worry about it, Kamui. I won’t let it happen.  _ I let my head rest on my forearms, eyes slipping shut as I count to ten, slowly, to calm myself down.

I don’t want to die; I don’t want to leave my family—Kamui’s family. Despite the air of detachment between myself and Xander, as well as Leo, it’s still painfully obvious that the both of them care for Kamui immensely. Camilla’s obsession is even a bit comforting, and Elise is so much like my little brother that I can’t help but love her.

I don’t want to leave.

I don’t want to feel the pain of another battle, of being betrayed … of having to chose.

Tears pull at my eyes and I hide my face in my arms, struggling to keep my composure; I force myself not to hiccup, not to shake or sob as my siblings … no, Kamui’s siblings converse around me, as if I’m not even there.

I suck in a breath and to my horror it shudders and breaks apart, and there’s a lapse in the conversation that makes me want to curl up and hide. “Kamui?” Elise begins, her voice worried. “What’s wrong?”

I shake my head. If I speak, I’ll only break into tears; or at least, more than I already have. The fragile hold on my emotions will come apart. 

“Kamui? Sister?” Leo attempts as well. “Raise your head—Elise, cut that out,” he orders, when Elise begins to poke at my arm to try and grab my attention. “Kamui.”

I swallow thickly and count to ten before raising my head, making sure to keep it angled down so they can’t see my pathetic state. Leo’s frown grows. I can’t see Xander’s expression, but I’m sure it’s the same.

“I …” I swallow again, my shoulders shaking, “I’m s-so scared. I’m scared. I don’t want to go.”

My words are pathetic. I should’ve saved them for when I’m alone in bed, I realize; but it’s too late to take them back now. Camilla immediately wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into her hold, and I don’t struggle. I squeeze my eyes shut.

“ … It will be alright, Kamui,” Xander attempts to soothe me, but his earlier words betray these ones. He doesn’t think this is normal, either. He knows something is going to happen.

Don’t leave me, don’t let them do this— _ don’t let me go alone, please. Please. I’m so sorry. _

“I tried,” I sob. “I tried—I tried to kill them. But it—she—it—it was—” I make a pulsating gesture with my hands, desperately trying to convey what I mean without words. My voice is coming apart. “The st-stone. It was—I was turning.” I grit my teeth together, my breaths becoming erratic. “I tried. But the stone stopped me and now—n-now I have to earn back father’s trust, and — and I don’t know i-if I  _ can.” _

_ I’m going to fail. This is what happens. This is how the story goes.  _ My thoughts are racing.  _ I tried to avert it; tried to go a different route, but I failed in the end. And now I’m stuck with this. _

“Kamui, I believe in you,” Elise says firmly, grasping my hands firmly in hers, “really. I know you can do this; you’re amazing! So please don’t give up, OK? I know you can do this.”

Leo nods. “Yes. Kamui; if you keep on your guard and don’t act like a fool, then you’ll come out of this just fine. Believe in yourself, sister.”

Camilla runs her hand through my hair, working her fingers through the knots in it, and I tighten my jaw until it begins to ache. “I … thank you,” I whisper. “I wish I could believe your words. I’m sorry.”

_ “We can turn into a dragon, Amelie; if we get into any trouble, just do that, OK?”  _ Kamui suggests, but I can understand the hidden meaning in her words.

_ You just want to be in control again.  _ I breathe out again, my breathing finally beginning to stabilize itself.  _ I might not be able to take control back again. I can’t risk it.  _

_ “I promise I won’t!”  _ Kamui argues.  _ “Really; you saw how strong we were as a dragon; even Xander couldn’t stop us! So if we encounter any trouble, then we can just turn into a dragon and we’ll be OK!” _

_ No, Kamui. We can’t.  _ I run my hand across my throat, rubbing at the spot tenderly.  _ Because if Hans sees us turn into a dragon, then he’ll tell your father. How do you think he’ll react, knowing we had such a power and hid it from him? _

Kamui doesn’t respond. I know I’ve won this argument.  _ We have to do this with our sword … I have to do this with sword.  _ The fear comes back, and I attempt to beat it down by curling forward into Camilla’s hold.  _ I’m not strong enough. I don’t know enough. _

_ Kamui, we’re going to die.  _ I laugh softly, tears burning my eyes.  _ We’re not gonna survive this. _

“Oh, Kamui … darling,” Camilla says softly, attempting to soothe me. “It’ll be alright, darling. It’s going to be alright. You’ll be alright.”

Elise rubs my back gently, and although she offers no words of support I can feel her concern. Leo and Xander are silent as well, watching from their spot across the table.

“I’m sorry … I’m so sorry,” I sob. I’m not sure who I’m talking to anymore; Camilla, Elise, Leo, Xander … Kamui, myself.

Maybe all of the above.

I fall asleep like that, my head resting on Camilla’s lap and hands balled into tight fists; Kamui talking gently to me, trying to keep me calm, and the heat of the library keeping me pleasantly warm. 

And then I see his face— _ there _ , right there; I’m back at the bank, a gun held at my head, women and men cowering on the floor as another man screams orders at the banker. “Don’t move!” He shrieks, waving the gun wildly, erratically; my knees are aching from the hard floor. “If any of you move, I swear to god I’ll shoot all you in the head.”

_ Fuck you,  _ I think.  _ Fuck you. Go to hell. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. _

There’s something wrong here. A feeling of deja vu hits me; I look around, but there’s nothing that stands out in particular; just an awful, plaguing feeling of familiarity.

He doesn’t like that.

Jason whimpers from beside me. His hands are shaking and I reach for them as quickly and surreptitiously as I can, hoping to give him some semblance of comfort; only then I’m yanked forward by my hair, my hand ripped from my brother’s grip.

“I said no  _ fucking moving!”  _ He screams, and I wince. “What part of that did you not understand!?”

I grit my teeth.  _ Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you. _

“I’m sorry,” I say instead. “I just—I’m just trying to comfort my brother. Please.”

He jerks me roughly and I wince, pain shooting through my skull, before he throws me to the ground. “If your shithead of a brother can’t obey either, then I’ll have to shoot his head in; just like I promised.”

The second man pauses, a strange look coming across his face. “Dude, calm down … don’t do anything we’ll regret; the cops will be on us even faster if we shoot anyone.”

“Shut the  _ fuck up  _ Adrien!” He shoves his gun into Jason’s face and he freezes. My heart goes cold; a pit of anger building up inside my gut.

This is wrong. What’s going on—why is this familiar  _ why why why? _

I move before I can stop myself; before I can think of the consequences, and then suddenly I’m screaming, hunched over in pain as the bullet rips through my stomach. He yanks my head up and smirks.

“Think you’re so clever, right?” There’s a touch of panic in his eyes, but the smirk stays in place. He throws me in front of Jason and I wince, dry heaving from the pain. “Think you can save this little brat?”

The gun is in my face again and I look up at him blearily, my vision blurred by tears and anger. The deja vu is stronger. The panic is settling in, but not nearly fast enough, and I spit a wad of blood onto his shoe.

“Fuck you.” The words come out without my meaning. His smirk drops. 

And then it comes back and I’m  _ screaming and— _

_ “Kamui!” _

I lurch out of bed, a scream lodged in my throat; my breaths are uneven and erratic, vomit burning the back of my throat, and I barely manage to throw myself off the bed before I’m emptying my stomach across the ground.

Tears blur my vision. My body burns, the bullet wounds fresh and painful; I want to rip my skin off. I want to rip it apart and take out the bullets, make it stop, make the pain stop and—

Jason.

“Jason,” I choke out. “Jason … I’m so sorry.”

The memory burns more than the wounds, and before long I’m curled up on the bed, sobbing. The pain is nothing compared to this.

I left my brother; my baby brother. Is he even alive? Did that man—that fucking shithead kill him too?

Leaving him is hard enough. Leaving my brother alone is hard enough. But the thought of him being  _ dead …  _

It’s even worse.

It takes me thirty minutes to calm down, despite Kamui desperately trying to do so, and by the time I’ve gained my wits back I feel exhausted and worn out. I’m in a pair of pajamas; someone must’ve changed me after I fell asleep in the library.

Hopefully Camilla. At least she’s … well, supposed to be my sister. Kamui’s sister, actually, but that doesn’t really matter at this point.

_ Kamui, what happened while I was asleep?  _ I ask blearily. I should probably call a maid, I realize, when the smell of bile and vomit hits my nose.  _ Who brought me here? _

_ “I … I don’t know,”  _ Kamui replies, her voice apologetic.  _ “I’m sorry. When you fell asleep, I stopped being able to see the world. I just kind of … went with you, I guess.” _

I pause. “You saw my dream,” I say softly. My voice is hoarse. “You saw my death.”

_ “… Yeah.”  _

I’m suddenly exhausted again, unable to even move. I need to get a maid. I don’t care at this point. “What did you think?”

_ “What do you mean?”  _ Kamui asks.  _ “I don’t understand.” _

“My death. What did you think?” I force myself up, ignoring the lethargy that coats my body and movements as I stumble towards the door. “I fucked up pretty badly, right? Maybe if I’d just kept my mouth shut … I wouldn’t be here.”

_ I’d be with Jason _ , my mind fills in. _ I’d be at home. I’d be helping him with his homework as usual. _

_ “You seem to care a lot about him,”  _ Kamui notes.  _ “He’s Elise’s age, right?” _

“Mm.” I prop the heavy door open, searching the halls for someone to call out. The torches burn brightly, casting heavy shadows across the stone halls. It takes a good minute before someone comes around. “Hey … can you help me, please?”

The woman blinks. “Ah—Lady Kamui?” She guesses, and I nod. “Yes, what can I do for you?”

“I … was sick,” I say softly. “Can you clean it up for me, please?”

She nods. “Of course. Please give me a minute, Lady Kamui.”

I sit outside the door as she works, my knees drawn to my chest and back pushed up against the wall. It’s cold out here.

_ “Amelie?”  _ Kamui starts, after a long silence.  _ “I … I’m sorry about your loss.” _

I smile bitterly. “If only that would do anything about it.”

I don’t fall back asleep that night.

* * *

“Hans!” I scream, my eyes wide in terror as his axe slashes through the Hoshidan soldier without any mercy, blood spilling out from the wound as the man stumbles over the edge of the canyon. “What are you doing!?”

“Haha!” He cackles, his lips stretched into a wide grin. “Die, scumbags; all of you, die!”

I swallow back my terror, drawing the sword from Garon and holding it shakily. I try to think back to Kamui’s words, her tips, advice; all of it is worthless in the end, though, because we’re very, very clearly out numbered.

We’re so screwed.

“You’ll … you’ll pay for this!” The leader of the soldiers screams. “All of you—attack! Do not leave a single Nohrian alive!”

The battle is chaotic.

Jakob and Gunter force me into the back, taking on the brunt of the fight while I’m left to do almost nothing, and while I’m relieved at the idea of not having to fight, it’s also terrifying.

If I don’t fight, I won’t get better.

But if I fight, I’ll probably die.

I think back to the battle with Kaze, how I only came out of it with my life due to sheer luck; the injuries I’d acquired during the battle weren’t severe enough to put my life at risk, but it fucking  _ hurt  _ and that was just against him.

There have to be at least ten Hoshidans versus our four. 

“We will protect you, Lady Kamui,” Gunter tells me firmly, “but be prepared to fight if it comes down to it. We will not lose our lives here. Remember the battle formations; they will come in handy.”

_ “There’s a defensive position and offensive position,”  _ Kamui fills me in.  _ “Defensive position is when you move beside an ally and support them, rather than attack. Offensive is when you stand apart from them and attack alongside them.” _

_ Thanks, Kamui,  _ I offer, tightening my grip on the sword.

The Hoshidans on the bridge go down quickly, with Gunter and Jakob on them; Hans runs in and slaughters them without any remorse.

Gunter frowns.

“The enemy’s position across that bridge may be impenetrable,” he tells me. “We must look for another way across, and quickly.”

I swallow.

There’s another, lower bridge that I make my way over to. Hans continues his way across the rickety bridge, towards the seven soldiers that block off the back entryway, and I feel a pulsation as I approach.

The dragon vein glows as I activate it, and I don’t feel as panicked this time when the dragonstone vibrates softly. Kamui isn’t trying to take over, this time. She’s offering support; helping me raise the rocks and create a temporary bridge across the rift.

I pant from exertion.

The dragon veins don’t come naturally to me; Kamui’s likely the only reason I can activate them at all. If it was just me … well, I doubt I’d be able to.

This may be Kamui’s body, but I’m not Kamui. 

“Gods … what are we dealing with here?”  The leader questions, his eyes wide in shock. “Who is this?”

There’s a howl of pain from the upper bridge, and I look up to see Hans topple backwards, having been brutally thrown down by the Hoshidan forces there. He gets to his feet shakily, hurrying off the bridge and away from the area, and a wave of anger hits me.

He’s retreating for now; but he’ll be back. He’ll be back to kill me.

Coward, coward,  _ coward. _

_ I want him dead. _

I scream when a Hoshidan comes at me, his sword swinging down quickly; I dodge to the left, wincing in pain when it slices through my shoulder, where the armor doesn’t reach. The black fabric is ripped open, exposing the skin; blood trickles steadily from the wound.

Gunter impales him with his spear. A dagger is burried in his forehead, courtesy of Jakob. Then, he comes to my side, casting a round of healing magic on me that takes away the pain, but doesn’t heal it completely.

It’s a surprisingly deep gash.

“I apologize, Lady Kamui; we left you open to attack.” Jakob steadies me when I wobble forward, and I pull my arm away when I’m sure I’ll be fine. “We can take care of this.”

“No,” I argue. “I must fight. I must … I have to get stronger.”

_ If I don’t get stronger, I’m literally going to die; stop babying me, stop protecting me—just … stop.  _ I grit my teeth so that I don’t speak those words aloud.

“The archer won’t be able to hit you if you get close enough,” Gunter informs me. “Move quickly, and you will take him down with one hit.”

And move quickly I do.

I wince when the Ganglari slices right through the archer’s exposed throat, ripping it open and exposing the internals of it; he gurgles in pain, his hands flying to the wound to try and stem the bleeding, and I take it one step further and finish him off, squeezing my eyes shut when I feel blood hit my exposed palms.

_ “That’s … you’re being really brutal, Amelie,”  _ Kamui says nervously.  _ “These are people too, you know.” _

_ People who want to kill us, Kamui.  _ I shake away my terror and force myself forward.  _ We can’t afford to be nice. Kindness doesn’t keep you alive. _

When we reach the leader, his lips twist into a scowl. “Do you even realize what you’ve done here today?” He asks seriously, not yet attacking. “Hoshido won’t stand for unprovoked attacks like this … revenge will be ours, Nohrians. Mark my words.”

“If you even make it back,” I shoot back in response. “Go ahead and try.”

I manage to dodge his first attack, while Gunter blocks the second one; my sword slices through the flesh of his arm, making him hiss in pain, and the second soldier moves to flank us, only to crash to the ground when Jakob stabs a dagger through his skull with an ominous crunch.

The sound of flapping wings attracts my attention, and I almost groan when I see two mounted Hoshidan women come in from the south, riding … pegasi?

Horses with wings … whatever they’re called in this world. 

This is bad.

We’re out numbered.

“You will not leave here alive,” the leader tells us calmly. He raises his weapon to attack, not even flinching anymore at the wound I gave him. “This will be your resting place.”

He rushes us and I panic—the sky warriors are approaching quickly from behind, and before I can really think I  _ move,  _ over come by some kind of force—and then my sword meets flesh and my hands press up against fabric and blood—

There’s blood, everywhere.

I look up, eyes wide in fear; the leader is staring down at me in shock, blood tricking from the corners of his mouth, and I look down to see the Ganglari impaled through his stomach.

I feel sick.

I release the blade as quickly as I can, stumbling back and falling onto my butt; the impact hurts, but I barely note it. Kamui is whimpering.

“Lady Kamui!” Jakob yells. He’s dealing with the sky warriors, alongside Gunter. “Do not let yourself become distracted; you must finish this!”

Finish this. Finish this.

The leader is shaking. He’s fallen to his knees, his hands gripping weakly at the hilt of my sword, struggling to pull it out. It’s useless.

“I’m … I’m so sorry,” I whisper, but the words don’t feel genuine. “I didn’t want to have to do this.”

He coughs, blood spurting out. He doesn't have much longer to go. “This … isn’t over,” he whispers.

“Yes.” I shut my eyes. “Yes, it is.”

I rip the sword out in one motion and stab it through his skull; this time, he’s really dead. 

He continues to bleed.

I hurry into the fortress, making sure that it’s actually abandoned; it’s not nearly as large as it appears from the outside, and by the time I come back out, after thoroughly checking each room, the battle is truly over.

The tr oops at the north have fled, leaving us alone; the bodies of the sky warriors and their pegasus lie in a heap by the cliff edge, white fur stained and matted by blood and I wince at the gruesome scene. 

This is war. This is what my life has become.

“This … isn’t what I wanted to happen,” I begin, as I approach both of my retainers, “but at least least I’ve completed father’s mission. The fortress is abandoned … for now, at least.”

My arm still aches, the blood flow having finally stopped and begun to coagulate, though the wound is still in a precarious situation. Kamui hasn’t said a word since I exited the fortress. 

“Yes—I’m sure King Garon will be pleased with your … performance …”  Gunter trails off, his eyes darting over to the canopy of trees. “Someone is coming.”

Three Hoshidan soldiers rush out of the forest, lead by a red haired man whose face is almost completely concealed by a mask and scarf. He scoffs. “You’re the leader of these troops?” He states, his deep voice taking on a disgusted edge. “You’re just a little girl.”

I straighten up, ignoring the flash of panic. I recognize him. I  _ recognize him.  _

_ Things are going just as they’re supposed to. _

_ This is bad. _

“Who are you?” I shoot back, and thankfully my voice doesn’t waver.

He looks over our group, before answering, “My name is Saizo. I’ve come to claim your life.”

Jakob and Gunter rush in front of me, pushing me protectively behind their forms. “You will do nothing of the sort,” Jakob replies harshly. “Lady Kamui, do not let your guard down; it seems this fight is not yet over.”

“Destroy them!” Saizo orders, and the three of them rush us. I stumble back, panicked, and Saizo darts around my retainers and comes right for me.

I scream, my back hitting the wall of the fortress as he raises his curved sword, preparing to strike down at me, and the look on his face reminds me so much of  _ him that I scream and— _

_ “Amelie! No!” _

“I won’t allow it!”

A streak of blond rushes in front of me, pushing Saizo back, and I manage to compose myself enough to look up, seeing the back of Xander’s head as he and his mount stand between me and Saizo. 

“What!?” Saizo snaps, taking a step back. “So you’re the real commander …”

Xander exhales. “Just in the nick of time … Kamui, what’s going on here?” He addresses me without turning, his sword still held defensively, ready to strike at any moment. 

I could cry from relief. “X-Xander!” I stammer, my voice breaking under my nerves. “I—how did you know?”

There’s the sound of hoofs, and I turn to see the rest of the royal siblings approaching quickly from behind. Leo approaches quickly.

“We’ve arrived just in time; you’ve got the devil’s own luck, don’t you, sister?” A smile comes across his face despite his words, and it’s obvious he’s relieved.

Camilla dismounts from her wyvern, immediately rushing to my side and helping me to my feet. She examines me for wounds quickly, her hands searching my body. “I was so worried about you … oh, Kamui, I’m so glad you’re alright.” She pauses at my bloody arm, taking care not to re-open the wound; she ushers Elise over.

“We’re all here for you, Kamui!” Elise states, her staff already in hand. A second wave of healing magic rushes through me, sealing the wound closed this time. “Are you injured anywhere else?”

“I—no,” I reply. “How did you all know? Didn’t Iago …?”

Xander shakes his head. “Now is not the time for this conversation; we are still under attack!”

Camilla’s face twists from caring to devilish almost immediately. “Who dares attack my beloved Kamui?” She asks lowly, her voice practically a hiss. “I’ll have their heads on a platter.”

Leo glances over at the body of the commander. “I believe that’s already been taken care of, sister.”

Camilla ignores his words, rushing forward; within seconds the two soldiers accompanying Saizo have been slaughtered, their bodies falling to the ground quicker than I thought possible. I hear Kamui gasp in shock.

_ “I … I never knew Camilla could be so … so ruthless,”  _ she whispers, shock laced in her voice.  _ “How scary …” _

Elise blinks. “Oh yeah; Kamui, you’ve never seen Camilla in battle before, right? She really gets right to it!” Her cheerful voice is out of place with this conversation. It’s unnerving.

Saizo flinches, taking several steps back from our group. “Shit … this is not going well.”

He’s flanked by another woman, who hesitates when she sees the lot of us. “S-Saizo,” she greets. “What’s our status?”

Although she asks the question, her tone implies that she already knows the answer. A grim look is set upon her face.

Saizo hisses out a breath. “I misjudged the situation,” he tells her lowly. “We’re outnumbered. Kagero—is anyone else on the way?”

“Affirmative,” she replies. “Lord Ryoma is right behind me.”

My blood runs cold.

I can’t see his mouth, but I’m almost positive Saizo is smirking if his tone of voice is anything to go by. “Ahh … then I think this battle is as good as won.”

Xander pulls his horse back a few paces. “Leo!” He calls to the boy, without taking his eyes from the two ninja before us. “It appears that more Hoshidan reinforcements are on the way.”

“Indeed …” Leo replies. “Shall we retreat?”

Xander nods. “Kamui is safe, and the fort’s condition has been evaluated. There is no reason to engage Hoshido further at this point.”

“Kamui,” he addresses me, and I jerk to attention. “You take the lead with Gunter. We will follow close behind.”

I swallow dryly.  _ No,  _ I want to protest.  _ No. Please don’t make me do this. I don’t want to leave you. _

“I—” I trail off, instead nodding jerkily, too unsettled to form the words. I move slowly, watching over my shoulder at the siblings; they aren’t moving. “Gunter … should we wait for them?”

“No, my lady. We should go on, as instructed.” Gunter pauses, turning on his horse to look at me. “Is something wrong?”

“I—” I swallow again. “I have a bad feeling about this. Please, can we just wait for them?”

_ Please. Please say yes. I’ll take any punishment or lecture from Xander and Leo that they give me; just please don’t make me do this. Don’t make me walk into my death. _

“ … Very well. We will wait for them across the bridge, then.”

The words aren’t what I want to hear, but they’re close enough that I agree. “Yes … alright. Thank you, Gunter.”

He looks at me for a long moment, his eyes scrutinizing, before nodding. “Let us go.”

We don’t make it across the bridge—Hans comes from behind, his axe slamming into Gunter’s horse and calling a neigh of pain from the animal. It stomps frantically, stumbling back, and the already fragile bridge creaks under it’s weight. I scream.

“No—Gunter!” I scream, rushing forward to grab for him, but it’s too late. The rotten boards fall out from under him, and I almost scream again. I only keep it in by sheer will. “Hans—what are you doing!?”

He laughs. “Aw, are you sad you lost your little babysitter? Well, don’t worry—you can meet up with him at the bottom!”

I stumble back, frantically going back towards the cliff, but Hans is faster.

“Xander!” I scream, abandoning the sword without much thought. “Camilla, Leo—help me!”

The sword pulsates, and my hand itches. Kamui yells for me to grab it, to attack Hans; but I ignore her. I leave the sword, turning my back on the man and scrambling off the bridge; I barely make it before a hand is fisted in my hair, tugging me back forcefully.

I’m assaulted by memories.

“Stop!” I scream. “Stop, stop—Xander!” I attempt again, my voice cracking. “Hans, stop it; why are you doing this!?”

My hands claw at his and he hisses in pain, tossing me roughly onto the bridge. The boards creak again, and I panic. “Just following orders,” he utters lowly. “Kind Garon’s orders.”

_ “What!?”  _ Kamui gasps.  _ “No—he has to be lying; father would never order this!” _

Rage; Kamui’s anger is potent, and it nearly chokes me. The sword is closer than ever and without my consent my arm moves, grasping the sword and swinging up and Hans yelps in pain as it slices through the skin of his leg—he kicks me in the face harshly, knocking me back and closer to the edge.

Where is everyone—where is everyone  _ why am I alone? _

Xander said they’d follow shortly; Xander said he’d come, that they would come. They said they’d help.

They lied.

_ No—no, they don’t know. They’re not lying.  _ I push myself up, vision blurry and head swimming in pain. Blood runs down my face; the sharp part of Han’s boot must have punctured the skin of my cheek.

The sword vibrates. The stone vibrates—and I’m so panicked by the thought of Kamui coming over, taking control; turning us into a dragon that I grasp the stone with my spare hand and  _ rip it off. _

_ “Amelie!? No—don’t! We need that!”  _ Kamui argues when I throw my hand over the edge and prepare to drop the stone off it.  _ “What if we turn into a dragon again!?” _

“I won’t let you,” I hiss back. Hans recovers from the wound and slams his foot into my chest, pushing me down further, and I scream in pain. I feel the bones in my chest creak.

“This is the end for you, missy,” he says angrily. “Don’t take it personally; just following orders.”

And with that, he lifts his foot up and  _ stomps— _

And the boards—

Fall—

Away.

I scream as I fall; my head slams against one of the edges of the cliff, practically knocking me out, and I hear another scream before someone plummets down after me.

I can’t hear. My vision is spotting, and Kamui is begging me, pleading for me to not fall asleep, to stay conscious—

But I can’t.

The last thing I feel is a warmth, the feeling of arms wrapping around my body, before I’m slamming into another rock and my consciousness is whisked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ﾉ*ﾟｰﾟ)ﾉ pls let me know what you think of this story if you enjoy it! Feedback really motivates me to write.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where everything goes wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok tbh I hate this chapter but I've stewed over it more than enough for now

_ “Amelie …?”  _ A weary voice calls out to me, and I blink blearily, staring dully at the bright sky above me.  _ “Hey … where are we?” _

I shake my head, rising to an upright position and pressing my hand against my head. It aches fiercely, and the bright light sends waves of pain through my skull. My body burns, scrapes and cuts pulling at my skin as I move, and I huff out an exhausted breath, letting my head drop. Nausea hits me hard and I have to force myself not to throw up.

Still clutched in my hand is the dragonstone; the one I tried to throw off the edge. I’m surprised I didn’t let go of it.

“Lady Kamui!” A small voice addresses me, and I blink again, looking up. A small creature floats in front of me, clutching a bell or something, and I struggle to recognize it. There’s something familiar, but my brain won’t put the name and face together. “Thank goodness you’re awake!”

_ “ … Who is that?”  _ Kamui questions.  _ “It sounds like … Lilith?” _

I squeeze my eyes shut, the world tilting dangerously despite the fact that I haven’t moved yet. I struggle to remember what happened, figure out where I am … when I open my eyes again, I search for the barren wasteland that surrounds the fortress, and am instead met with a bright, grassy field that stretches out for at least a mile. “Wh—...where are we?”

I cringe at the slight slur in my words.

“This is a world parallel to the one in which you live, Lady Kamui,” the dragon informs me. I squint at it. “It is known as the astral plane.”

I nod, wincing when the motion sends a new wave of pain through my skull. “Why are we here?”

“I … we were falling into the depths of the canyon,” the dragon explains, looking down at me from its place in the air. “I couldn’t risk letting us keep falling, so I called upon the gods and sent us here.”

I scrutinize it. Familiar, familiar … who is this?

_ “I think this is Lilith; she sounds just like her. Plus, I think I recognize it … she looks like this bird that I rescued as a child.” _

“… Lil … ith?” I struggle for the name, blinking again in an attempt to keep my vision clear, and when it comes out I can’t help but feel that I’m wrong.

Dragons can’t smile, but Lilith somehow manages to give the impression that she is. “Yes—do you remember me, Lady Kamui? I’m the creature that you rescued in the barn so many years ago.”

_ “Oh—I was right!”  _ Kamui exclaims, slightly amazed.  _ “Wow … so Lilith is actually a dragon, then?” _

I rub my head again, speaking slowly and taking care to enunciate all my words correctly. Despite my attempts, they still slur slightly. “Why did you … b-become a human, then? If you were a … dragon the whole time.”

“Once I recovered, I was able to take on a human form,” she explains. “You were so kind to me that I decided to remain a human so that I might serve you. But now …” Lilith trails off, before continuing with, “I have used a power that goes beyond the capacity of a human body. I cannot return to that form anymore.”

“But—I don’t mind,” she reassures me. “All that matters to me is that you are safe.”

I look around at the astral plane; I don’t remember it being so … big in the game. Or empty. Was it always this empty?

“How long have I been out for, Lilith?” I ask softly. “A d—day? Two days? An hour?”

Lilith pauses. “Well … time flows differently here than in the human world; it’s much slower. You’ve been out for nearly a whole day, now, but if I’m correct … only an hour should have passed in the human world. I prepared a place for you to rest, but …” she motions with her tail at the giant tree-house like building perched far to my right. “I could not carry you there, so I was forced to leave you where we teleported.”

I force a smile, struggling to my feet. I’m horribly unsettled and off balance, and I stumble slightly. Lilith flies in, quickly propping herself up under my arm to keep me upright, and I exhale shakily. “Thanks, Lilith … I … I’m going to go rest, for a bit.”

Lilith nods. “Yes; I shall help you there, Lady Kamui!”

The walk to the resting place is slow and torturous, and we have to stop several times when my exhaustion becomes too much and I nearly fall over from pain. I end up vomiting half way there, the nausea too much for me to handle any longer, and Lilith simply hovers sympathetically. My head is throbbing uncontrollably and I want nothing more than to fall asleep until the concussion—or at least, what I’m assuming is a concussion, has gone away.

We make it, finally, after what feels like hours of traveling, and I heave myself up the staircase, doubling over several times to catch my breath. There are rows of rooms stretched out through the building; it’s much larger inside that it appears, and I pick the one at the furthest part of the hall. Lilith watches silently. “Please rest, Lady Kamui; we can’t stay here for much longer, but we can afford another day or two.”

I shake my head, using the wall to keep myself upright. “No … just give me a few hours, please. I just need to rest … a few hours, and then I can go back.”

Lilith hesitates. “Of course. There’s just one thing you should know … when I open the portal, you will return to the same location you came from.” She pauses, before elaborating with, “You’ll arrive right on the Hoshidan border; there may be soldiers lying in wait for you.”

“Lilith … weren’t we falling down a cliff when you teleported us here?” I ask. “Then won’t we just teleport right back into the cliff?”

She shakes her head. “No; I dragged us up and onto the cliff itself before teleporting us here. I … didn’t really think much about it at the time, but …”

“Speaking of which … Lilith, why were you there in the first place?”

She flushes, a blush spreading across her blue skin. “I—well, um … I asked your siblings to allow me to come along. I’m surprised they agreed at all, actually … it’s a good thing they did.”

I sigh to myself, pressing my palms into my eyes. “… Yes,” I agree. “It is. Thank you, Lilith. I’m going to rest now.”

* * *

 

A few hours pass. I can barely focus at this point, struggling to keep awake; despite the strong urge to sleep, I know I can’t. If this is a concussion, sleeping is the worst thing I could do in this situation.

Lilith doesn’t come back.

One day becomes another; after a fitful sleep, I find it even harder to stay awake.

I throw up again.

My head pounds mercilessly.

“Lady Kamui … this is not good,” Lilith says softly, her voice laced with concern. “Your pupils are different sizes, and you can barely walk straight—plus you’re throwing up! You should really go back to your world so you can be healed.”

I cough, resting my head on my hand .”But … L-Lilith,” I mumble, “no one will still be there. I’ll b—be by myself.” The slur has gotten worse. I have to speak slowly to even make the words understandable.

This is bad.

“But … but I can’t help you like this,” she whispers. “Lady Kamui, you really need to get back before it gets worse and you’re actually trapped here!”

“But …”

“No. Lady Kamui, I’m going to bring you back. You’re only going to get worse here.”

The way back is disorienting as hell; the world spins, and I nearly throw up. By this point my throat is burning with every breath I take, due to bile being the only thing I’ve had to throw up at this point.

I’m shaking when I’m teleported back, barely able to keep upright; I practically fall face first into the ground, my hand brushing up against the Ganglari. I wonder, for a moment, how it got here; I remember it being on the bridge.

I try to move but fall forward, the world tilting dangerously, and considering how close to the edge of the cliff I am I decide not to risk it.

“K-Kamui …” I whimper, bowing forward so I’m practically laying on the floor. “Kamui … what do I do?”

_ “Just stay awake, Amelie; we’re gonna be OK,”  _ she attempts to soothe me.  _ “Your horse isn’t far; just a little bit farther and you can reach him.” _

I swallow dryly. It’s been nearly two days since I last ate; Lilith brought me some kind of fruit that I didn’t recognize, but I couldn’t bring myself to eat it.

Footsteps.

“X … Xander?” I whisper weakly, my fingers twitching painfully. “Xander … i-is that you?”

My vision is spotting again, and I let my eyes slip shut as a pair of hands lift me up, cradling me to a chest. “Do not speak.” 

I don’t recognize the voice. It’s heavily accented, sounding very similar to a Japanese accent. 

That isn’t good.

I twist, trying to escape from the hold, but the grip is too strong. It tightens.

“If you do not stop I’ll be forced to knock you out,” the voice threatens lowly. “Try not to struggle.”

I turn again, away from his chest and promptly throw up again. The action sends rivets of pain through my head and body and I twitch again. “I … don … don’t feel good,” I slur, my vision darkening. “I …”

“Sleep, Kamui,” the voice says softly. Kamui wonders how he knows her name—all I can wonder is how he found me. “It’s going to be alright.”

* * *

Darkness. Nausea. Pain.

I try to open my eyes, but they’re too heavy. My stomach rumbles in hunger and I wonder how long it's been—where’s Jason?

_ “Amelie … please, please don’t give up,”  _ a voice whispers. I jerk in surprise—then relax.

Just Kamui.

Who’s Kamui?

_ “Amelie, I think you have a concussion—please, don’t fall back asleep; you’ve been sleeping for who knows how long already, and we need to get back to father and the others!” _

“K … Kam—mui,” I whisper, my voice hoarse. “Wh—o is—?”

A hand strokes through my hair, and I force my eyes open, blinking blearily. A dark haired man looks down at me, his expression mixed between concern and confusion. He’s of Asian descent. 

“How do you feel?” he asks, his voice heavily accented. Japanese—he’s Japanese. I let my eyes roam around, and notice we’re in a tent. I try to sit up, only to be blindsided by a sharp pain in my head. It draws a anguished croak from my already raw throat, and I practically slam back down with how hard I fall.

The man catches me before my head can impact, one hand resting on the small of my back and the other supporting my head. “Careful, Kamui—you’ve sustained a serious concussion. We must get you back to the capital as soon as possible.”

I swallow back a cry. “H-How do you kn—ow my name?” I ask, blinking rapidly. “Where a—m I?”

The man is silent for a long moment, and he helps me sit up a bit more, his hand not moving. “I am your older brother, Ryoma.”

_ “W … What?”  _ Kamui mutters.  _ “No … no, no that’s not possible; Xander is my older brother! Leo, Elise, and Camilla; they’re all my siblings. Who is this?” _

_ He’s lying,  _ I lie to the girl.  _ He’s lying. He’s a liar. _

“You … no,” I reply. “No. It’s not—not poss … possib—ble.”

His expressions softens. “I speak the truth, Kamui. When we reach the capital of Hoshido, I will explain it all in full. Just wait until then.”

_ “Why are they lying to us, Amelie?”  _ Kamui wonders.  _ “This guy—he’s Hoshidan; he’s the enemy … right?”  _

_ Lies?  _ I wonder.  _ Yeah … it’s a lie.  _ My eyes roll shut, an unfamiliar emotion rushing through my body. _ Kamui? I … don’t feel good.  _

_ “Amelie? Amelie!” _

* * *

The first thing that I hear after waking up is rapid Japanese. I don’t even remember falling asleep. When did I fall asleep?

I’m being held again, and I raise my head so that it’s resting against the person’s chest. It’s hard—his bones?

Why are his bones poking out of his chest?

_ … Skeleton,  _ I conclude.  _ He’s a skeleton. _

_ “What? No—Amelie; it’s armor. Armor! He’s wearing armor; he’s not a skeleton.” _

Someone peels back my eyelids, and I flinch away from the contact. It’s a female voice who speaks; in Japanese.

Why are they speaking Japanese?

_ “Japanese? What’s Japanese?” _ Kamui asks.  _ “They’re speaking Hoshidan, Amelie.” _

_ … Hoshidan?  _

Hoshido.

We’re moving, and the jostling makes me whimper despite my attempts to keep myself quiet. The man—Ryoma, I manage to remember, shushes me softly. 

I’m laid down on another futon and immediately the woman kneels at my side, a staff in hand.

More Japanese—Hoshidan. Hoshidan. I can’t understand either way.

My body feels heavy, and my eyes slip shut again. “No, Kamui; stay awake.”

I whimper again. “M … n-not, I’m up.” I wheeze. Suddenly there’s a flush of heat through my body, and I feel my mind clear—the nausea and pain dull until they’ve completely disappeared and I gasp, my eyes shooting open.

“I’m—”

Ryoma sighs in relief. “Thank the gods. I was worried that you’d been concussed for too long—even the healer was concerned.”

He turns to the woman, speaking in Hoshidan again and offering her a coins which she refuses adamantly. 

She leaves a bit later, and I push myself up into a sitting position. “… You saved me.”

“Yes. How did you get such a severe concussion?”

I hesitate. “I … don’t remember,” I lie. “I don’t know how I got there. I …” I remember Hans, how he threw me into the trench without even a trace of remorse; I remember Gunter falling, I remember pain—

“I want to go home.” I wrap my arms around my legs. “Where is my sword?”

Ryoma hesitates. “It is with my retainers.”

“Give it back to me.” My words come out harsher than I expect them to, and Kamui scolds me. I ignore her. “Give it  _ back.” _

He shakes his head. “There’s no need for you to fight, Kamui; it is safe for us to travel. You don’t need your sword.”

“Give it  _ BACK _ !” I scream, lunging for him; I’m not sure where the sudden anger comes from. He stops me easily, his hands gripping my wrists tightly and I struggle, trying to rip my hands from his grip. “It’s mine! Let me go! Let me  _ go!” _

My tone takes on a frantic one but Ryoma doesn’t relent. “If you promise not to attack again, I will release you, Kamui.”

“Fuck you.” I spit out, fear wrapping itself around my intestines and pulling violently. “Let me go. You—you kidnapped me.”

His eyes widen. “Kidnapped? Kamui—you don’t—”

I slam my foot into his armored forearm with as much strength as I can muster and it surprises him enough that he releases my wrists; I scramble to my feet, nearly falling over when I trip over the blankets, but I gain my footing and slam open the sliding door, stumbling on the wooden floors.

“Kamui! Wait!”

I weave around a woman dressed in a kimono, and she squeaks in surprise. There’s a commotion from the room ahead of me and two heads peak out to look in surprise. I ignore them, dashing for the entrance—and when I reach it I dash out desperately.

And then I freeze.

Flowers.

The first thing I see is flowers.

“W—What?” I choke. The sunlight is blinding, and I raise my arm up to cover my eyes. “These are cherry blossoms. Nohr doesn’t …”

_ “We’re in Hoshido, Amelie,”  _ Kamui reminds me, her voice patient.  _ “Remember? That Ryoma guy said it.” _

“… They kidnapped us,” I whisper. “I—I tried to avoid this, but—but—”

But I  _ failed. _

Tears form in my eyes and I practically collapse on myself, a sob ripping from my throat. No, no,  _ no I can’t be here, this is exactly how it went out and I can’t let this happen, I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t— _

A hand on my shoulder startles me from my panic and I whirl around, driving my fist forward only to have it be caught once again. I swallow thickly, hiccuping, and that’s when all my strength leaves me and I collapse to my knees.

The tears won’t stop, the panic is growing, and oh god this isn’t what I wanted to happen. 

“Kamui …” Ryoma kneels at my side, his hand resting on my back. “Kamui, relax. It’s alright.”

I shake my head. “No—no it’s not.” Another sob comes out, and I grip my hands into fists, the nails digging deep into the flesh of my palms. “I want to go home.”

“This is your home, Kamui. I am your family; I am your brother.”

“No!” I shove him, but he doesn’t budge. “No, you’re not—I hate you! I fucking  _ hate you! _ ” The words are mean and bitter and I practically spit them out at him. Ryoma’s expression doesn’t change, but I can tell he’s upset at my words.

“Kamui …”

I shake my head. “No; leave me alone.” I curl forward on myself, shakes wracking my body. “You ruined it. You ruined everything.”  

_ “Amelie; Amelie! It’s OK, it’s OK; shh. Amelie, relax; you’re gonna be OK. It’s gonna be fine.”  _ Her voice is soft, reassuring, but the words don’t help because  _ they. Aren’t. True.  _

“Ryoma-sama,” a familiar, deep voice calls out. His next words are in Japanese and I grit my teeth angrily. 

A female voice joins in, but I ignore all of them and instead wheeze, desperately trying to catch my breath.  _ “Come on, just breathe on my counts. OK? One, two, three …” _

Over the next minute Kamui walks me through breathing exercises and words of comfort, and eventually I manage to calm down enough to exhale without shuddering. 

“I hate them.” My voice is soft, low enough that I doubt Ryoma or his retainers will hear me. “I hate them. They’re going to pay.”

_ “You’re angry,”  _ Kamui points out,  _ “and I know why … but anger isn’t gonna help us, Amelie. We’re their prisoner, so we need to stay on their good sides or we’ll die.” _

“No, they won’t.” I rub my eyes roughly, wetness coating my skin. “They don’t have the balls.”

“Kamui?” Ryoma begins. “We’re leaving after we eat. Will you come inside?”

I’m tempted, right then, to tell him no—to tell him to fuck off, to leave me alone; but I stop myself, because those words won’t do anything but make him more frustrated.

There’s only so much that one person can take. I don’t want to test the limits of Ryoma’s patience.

So instead I simply stay silent. 

Ryoma sighs. “I know you are upset, Kamui. But believe me when I tell you that I am your brother; I care for you. You were never meant to end up with the Nohrians.”

“But I did,” I shoot back, a nasty tone seeping into my voice. “Looks like you really fucked up, didn’t you?”

Immediately I know I’ve hit a sensitive spot; Ryoma’s expression twists, going from neutral to angry in a second. He shuts his eyes, breathing out slowly, before reopening them and fixing me with a hard look.

“We will go inside and eat,” he tells me, his voice hard, “and then we will leave. You will accompany us back to the capital.”

I grit my teeth when more tears come to my eyes. “Why—why. Why, why,  _ why.”  _ I suck in a breath, trembling, and I wrap my arms around myself and kneel over. “I wanna go home. Xan—Xander … Xander. Please, don’t let this happen. Please.”

_ Help me,  _ I plead.  _ Help me. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to do this. _

It takes me longer to calm down, this time; because all my anger and fear has become one and taken over my senses. I’m gasping for breath, struggling to get enough air into my lungs—and it’s just like that day when I got here.

I scream.

It’s an ugly, guttural noise and it cracks near the end, dissolving into a full-body sob that makes my entire body shake. My nails dig into the exposed skin of my arms, grasping at the skin and ripping, pulling— _ scratching. _

I feel the vibrations, deep in my chest—but this time, there’s no stone to stop it, and I’m filled with a new fear.

I can’t become a dragon here.

I won’t get back.

But something stops it—it struggles, pushing forward, trying to burst out of my chest and take over; but there’s something holding it back.

_ “Th … There’s no stone,”  _ Kamui says, her voice strained,  _ “but … but I’ll keep it back, OK? Just … f-focus on calming down. I … can’t do it forever.” _

She’s shaking and panting, and the vibrations are dulled now; still there, but steadily, slowly, they’re becoming less noticeable.

Calm down. I have to calm down.

I breathe in deeply, counting my breaths, and then I tilt my head back, sniffling loudly. A shudder runs down my spine.

Calm down. Calm down. I have to calm down.

“I … I’m sorry.” My voice is hoarse, and I reluctantly look up at Ryoma. I’m not nervous, but I’m also not looking forward to seeing his reaction after watching me completely break apart. “L-Lets eat.”

Ryoma frowns, but eventually agrees.

* * *

It takes us an entire, agonizing week to reach the capital; a week in which Ryoma tries to talk to me, and I do everything in my power to ignore him.

Kamui’s been talking less lately, too.

The first night after my meltdown, I’d apologized to Ryoma for my words. It wasn’t sincere, but I’d learned to fake regret years ago, back in my own life. 

He believed me.

I don’t feel bad for deceiving him; Kamui was upset, but eventually she gave up on trying to tell me I should sincerely apologize. It wasn’t going anywhere.

We enter a massive, beautiful palace; it puts the Nohrian castle to shame, both interior and exterior wise. I can’t help but be in awe; Kamui is, too.

_ “Wow … this is amazing,”  _ she gasps.  _ “I’ve never seen such a beautiful place … only in fairytales.” _

Everyone speaks in Hoshidan, and rather than trying to figure out what they’re talking about I instead turn my attention to the walls. The decorations.

We reach a throne room, and I hesitate. Throughout the week, Ryoma’s irritation at my first remarks died down; from what I can tell, he simply believed my words to have been a result of being taken away from all I know. Considering my faked-but-still-sincere-sounding apology, it’s no surprise that he came to that conclusion.

I haven’t been mean to him. Distant, yes; but not mean.

It’s for my own safety. For Kamui’s safety.

A woman is seated with her back to us, her long, black hair resting around her seated figure like a gown. At our entrance she turns, and then her eyes light up.\

“Oh—Ryoma.” She sighs in relief, getting up from her seated position and coming to our side. She says something else in Hoshidan, and Ryoma replies in the language. Her smile is soft, and it takes her a few seconds to notice me. I’m standing behind Ryoma, but in front of his retainers, and her eyes widen.

I hesitate. 

“Kamui?” Her accent is thicker than Ryoma’s and his retainers. “Oh … it is you, isn’t it?”

I nod slowly. “Who are you?”

“I cannot believe … it really is you.” Her eyes shine with tears and I’m startled by her reaction. “Oh, I’ve missed you so much.”

She envelops me in a hug and I struggle momentarily before going lax in her grip. Her shoulders are shaking and I can feel her tears on my shoulder. A wave of unease rushes through me.

I should feel bad for this woman—feel bad that she had lost her daughter for so long. But instead, all I can feel is exhaustion.

I’m tired of playing this game; I’m tired of pretending to be someone who I’m not.

Kamui hesitates as well.  _ “Who is this woman, Amelie?” _

“My sweet, sweet child …” I flinch at those words. Kamui goes silent. “I never thought I would see you again.”

I pull out of her hug, looking away. “I’m sorry … but you must be mistaken. I’m not your child.”

Her gaze softens. “It’s a sad story, Kamui. You see, when young you were—”

“No,” I interrupt. “No. I … don’t want to hear it. Even if I’m your child, I’m … not anymore. I’m not whoever I was when you saw me last, and I don’t care how I ended up in Nohr.”

I see the hurt on her face, the way her expression crumbles; rejection from her own child. I don’t find it in me to care, simply because … well, I’m afraid.

I’m afraid for myself, I’m afraid for Kamui …

And above all, I’m  _ tired. _

I’ve become Kamui, in both a literal and metaphorical sense, but I’m so tired of being her. I’m tired of pretending.

“Kamui,” Ryoma attempts, “please, listen to the tale. I remember the day you were taken so vividly; at the time, Hoshido and Nohr had not broken out into full war yet. We were told it was going to be a peace conference.”

I sigh out heavily. “Then if this is all true, let me ask one question; why were we there in the first place?

Ryoma pauses. “What?”

“You heard me.” I look down at my boots, the mud caked on from days upon days of traveling. “Why would I be at the peace treaty? If I was young enough to not even remember any of you, there’s no logical reason that I should’ve been anywhere but the capital.”

Ryoma glances at his mother, and I can tell they’re both stunned by the question. I can’t begin to fathom why. 

It’s a logical question; if Kamui was young enough to forget about Hoshido completely, then she must’ve been no older than a toddler. Why would a toddler go to a peace conference between two kings?

And, above all, why would Kamui be on the  _ battlefield? _

I realize that this is when Kamui would’ve regained the memory of being kidnapped—the memory that would’ve made her conflicted, unsure. But the memory never comes, and when my thoughts glimpse over the idea I lock it away in a box far back in my brain.

“Listen … I’m sorry,” I say, but the words are empty. I have to force emotion into them. “But I don’t know what you expect from me. Acceptance? For me to declare my loyalty to Hoshido when there is no proof?” I shake my head. “That’s just ridiculous.”

The Queen’s face falls, and I see her turn away for moment, her hand raised to her mouth. Ryoma rests his hand on her back, sighing. “You are right, Kamui. There is no proof. But do you really hold no memories of us? Of our father sacrificing himself in an attempt to save you?”

I hesitate. Kamui is unsure.

“No.”

That’s when the Queen breaks down completely, tears overwhelming her; her shoulders shake and Kamui begs me, urges me to reach out to her and comfort her—

And I refuse.

Because growing close to these people will only make it harder on me, on Kamui, and on them when I inevitably return to Nohr. Because Nohr is where Kamui’s family is; the ones who raised her, stood by her side when she was weak, when  _ I was weak.  _ These people … they mean nothing in comparison.

And so when the Hoshidan soldier rushes in, dropping to one knee in front of Ryoma while only sparing the sobbing Queen a single glance, I don’t look. I don’t understand what he says, but Ryoma’s face gives it away.

As do my memories.

Ryoma turns to me. “Kamui; we are being attacked from the north, by Nohr. Your sisters are there, trying to evacuate the village. Will you join us?”

_ “I want to help, Amelie; I want to help them!”  _ Kamui cries.  _ “Please; even if they aren’t my actual sisters, I can’t just leave them alone and in danger like that.” _

_ You’ll be fighting your family,  _ I reply back.  _ And I can’t do that to you. _

“No,” I finally reply. “I won’t. I refuse to fight my country; I am loyal.”

Ryoma shakes his head. “Please, Kamui; I want you to see the truth with your own eyes. The truth of what Nohr is, their brutality, their cruelty. Please, join me.”

And I simply repeat—”No.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no idea if anyone reads this, but I guess I'll keep updating since it's fun

I’m put in a room, a traditional Japanese room to be exact—with tatami mats and sliding doors and everything— and told to stay there until someone comes for me. The Queen informs me that it’s my old room; completely untouched, left how it was when kidnapped.

It’s eerie, but there’s not much I can do; so I wait.

And Kamui lectures me.

_ “Amelie! You really should’ve gone!”  _ She tells me, and I can practically feel the frustration rolling off her in waves. Alongside concern.  _ “What if that Ryoma man can’t do it by himself?” _

I sigh. “Kamui,” I start patiently, “Ryoma’s … what, the prince? He also has his retainers, and any soldiers he brings. You really think us—no,  _ I  _ would be of _ any _ help? I couldn’t even land a hit on Xander without turning into a goddamn dragon.”

She hesitates.  _ “But … Amelie; those girls could be seriously hurt. Aren’t you worried?” _

“… To be honest, no.” I draw my knees to my chest, leaning back against the wall. The window allows light to shine in, and I wiggle my toes in the sunlight. “I don’t know them … and you don’t know them. So why should I care?”

_ “Because they’re people!” _

I hug my knees tighter. “So? So are whoever Ryoma and his retainers and them are going to kill.” I wince at the words; I know they’re a lie. But I don’t let Kamui know that. “We’re at war; why are you siding with the enemy? Don’t you want to go home?”

_ “I-I do, but … but I don’t want to see anyone hurt.”  _ Her voice is soft, weak. A pang of regret shoots through me at her reaction.  _ “I want to see Xander, and Camilla, and Leo, and Elise, and father and … and everyone so much. But I don’t want to see innocent people get hurt.” _

I stop myself from saying anything else; I’ve already caused her enough pain as is. I took it too far, this time; I’m tempted to slap myself for it. Instead, I just pinch the skin of my hand between my nails.

“Then … believe that Ryoma will save them,” I finally manage, after a long silence. “He’s much stronger than us … no, than me. We’d get in the way, Kamui; we’d have to be protected, and then Ryoma couldn’t help his sisters.” I sigh, resting my forehead on my knees. I’m exhausted. “It’s better this way.”

After a long silence, Kamui relents.

I sit in that position, talking idly to Kamui about her family to keep her company, to keep her mind away from what’s happening up north, and before long my exhaustion takes over, drawing me into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

A red haired girl stares at me as I enter; I notice the bandages wrapped around her arm, how her face is bruised, the limp in her step … she looks to Ryoma, who nods.

I say nothing.

“So … you are Kamui?” She has a hoarse voice, more so than I remember from the game. “My sister.”

I shrug. “Apparently.” I look at her again, before reluctantly asking, “… Are you alright?”

“Hah—yeah,” she replies, “it takes more than a few dozen 400 kilogram monsters to bring me down.”

_ “Monsters?”  _ Kamui wonders.  _ “400 kilograms? What’s that?” _

I pause to do the calculations for her.  _ Somewhere around 880 pounds. _

“Do you … remember me at all?” She asks, somewhat uncomfortably. “Ryoma-nii said you have no memory at all.”

“… Ryoma-nii?” I repeat. 

She blinks. “Oh—nii is short for  _ nii-san;  _ it means older brother in Hoshidan.”

“Who are you, anyways?” I ask. “You’re Ryoma’s sister, I know that, but … who  _ are  _ you?”

“I’m Hinoka.” When I don’t respond, she continues with, “I’m, uh … your older sister.” I nod, just out of pity; I really don’t know what to say. “You really don’t remember us?”

“No … sorry,” I mumble. Hinoka blinks rapidly, turning away for a moment, and I see her rub her eyes roughly.

_ “Is she … is she crying?”  _ Kamui wonders.  _ “Hinoka?” _

I watch awkwardly as the taller girl attempts to compose herself, and after a few moments she finally turns back to me, the rims of her eyes red from tears. “I … I am overwhelmed,” she tells me. “After so long … so many years … I’ve—I’ve missed you so much. And yet …” she exhales shakily. “And yet you don’t remember me.”

I shift uncomfortably. Kamui’s emotions are mixing with mine, and it’s  _ uncomfortable.  _ The concern is high, the urge to comfort her—Kamui’s emotions are so strong they’re practically overpowering my own.

Ryoma finishes his conversation, making his way over to the two of us. “Is everything alright?” He asks, and he’s courteous enough to speak in English—Nohrian for my sake. “Hinoka?”

“Y-Yes … I’m fine, sorry.” She rubs her eyes again. “I am just overwhelmed.”

Ryoma nods understandingly. “Kamui, Hinoka was very attached to you when you were little. After being taken, she cried for months.” He places a hand on the girl’s shoulder. “One day, she stopped crying and picked up the naginata. … And I will say, if you ever find yourself facing the business end of her weapon … you will be filled with major regrets.”

I stiffen. A threat? I miss whatever else Ryoma says, still hung over the threat that he just gave me, and when I look back at the two of them they’ve began to speak to each other in their own language.

“I am not so emotional,” Hinoka tells me, “sorry. I’m just so happy to see you back.”

The sentence is a bit awkward, but I manage to understand what she means. I shrug and keep my thoughts to myself.

We all end up in a large dining hall, and I see a smaller, pink haired girl seated beside the Queen. Her ankle is wrapped in bandages, and her cheeks are flushed in what seems to be embarassment.

I sit awkwardly between Hinoka and Ryoma, with the pink haired girl staring at me curiously. “Um …“ she looks at the Queen, who simply repeats my name to her. “H-Hello … I am Sakura.”

Her accent is thick, and it becomes obvious to me that her grasp on Nohrian isn’t as good as her family’s. She looks to be fifteen, at most.

“Kamui,” I offer back, keeping my head low. The remaining boy — Takumi, if I remember correctly — gives me a dirty look, and I pointedly ignore him. “ … What happened to your ankle?”

Sakura looks down at her bandaged ankle, her hands fiddling uncomfortably. “Um …n-nosuferatu. They are monsters.”

“Nosuferatu are what we call the monsters sent by Nohr,” Ryoma tells me patiently. “But I suppose the best description of these monsters would be … faceless. They have no will of their own and are created by Nohrian mages.”

_ “ … I wonder if Leo has made any of these ‘faceless’,”  _ Kamui idly wonders.  _ “I doubt it, but he is pretty good at magic.” _

“So .. is it nosuferatu or faceless?” I ask. “Or does it not matter?”

Hinoka shrugs. “I call them ‘dead meat’. It’s all Nohr can attack us with these days.”

_ “Huh? Why?” _

I blink slowly, my eyes filtering across the table. Takumi is still staring at me, his eyes practically daggers. If I was Kamui, I’d probably be offended, or even a bit intimidated; instead, I just ignore him.

Hinoka shifts uncomfortably. “… Don’t you wonder why?” She asks, after a long silence. 

Takumi finally snaps something at the girl, in Hoshidan, and I’m almost positive it’s in an attempt to draw some sort of reaction out of me. His eyes land on me as he speaks, and that thought is confirmed.

“Takumi,” the Queen chastises softly, “there’s no need to be so angry. Speak Nohrian; Kamui can’t understand otherwise.”

Takumi huffs. “My apologies,” he grinds out. “But I don’t get why  _ she  _ has to be here.”

He spits the word out with so much venom that I’m a bit surprised. I never did understand his vehement hate for Kamui in the game; it’s weird to be on the receiving end of it. Kamui seems hurt.

_ Look; he’s just … a moody teenager,  _ I reassure the girl as dinner is brought out by several maids.  _ Don’t take it personally, Kamui. _

_ “ … I know,”  _ she replies.  _ “But if these people are really my family, I want them to like me.” _

I resist the urge to sigh.  _ This again? I thought we went over it— _

_ “—I know,”  _ Kamui interrupts. “ _ But still. I want them to like me. And you’re not trying to be friendly at all … why are you so cold to them when you weren’t in Nohr?” _

I hesitate when I pick up the chopsticks. Logically, Kamui shouldn’t know how to use these. It’s a matter of whether or not her muscles will refuse to cooperate despite knowing how, or if I’ll be able to power through it and use it properly.

My pride wishes for the ladder while common sense begs for the former.

_ Nohr is safe, Kamui,  _ I finally reply. My attempts with the chopsticks are failing spectacularly. Takumi looks amused.  _ You know them; you know your family. These people are our … no, Nohr’s enemies. We aren’t safe here; we’re in enemy territory. _

_ “But … I really don’t think they would hurt us.” _

Everyone is speaking in Nohrian for my sake, and a wave of irritation passes through me. They attempt to drag me into the conversation, but I keep my replies short and distant, not provoking any further conversation and forcing them to move on.

I can tell they’re perturbed. I don’t care.

Kamui carries her own conversation inside my head, and although some of the questions she brings up resonate with me I force my lips to stay shut.

I won’t let them think I care. I can’t let them think I care.

But as the conversation goes on, Takumi throws out something that makes my temper rise.

Hinoka feeds into it, Sakura goes along with it; Ryoma and the Queen do nothing to stop it.

“Nohrians are pure evil,” Takumi mutters. “Scum, all of them. There is not a good soul in the whole lot.”

I grit my teeth. Kamui’s emotions waver for the first time during the conversation, and Hinoka piggybacks off the topic without much thought.

“Nohrians are willing to sacrifice their own just to hurt others,” she replies, and although I know her intent isn’t to hurt, it still burns to hear those words. “You know, Kamui; I can’t forgive them for that. Or for stealing you away.”

I look down at my lap. “Maybe it’s better that I was stolen away,” I spit out, my anger finally coming to the surface. “Because if I hadn’t been, I’d be as naive and stupid as you two.”

The table goes silent, and Kamui gasps at the bitter, angry words. I shush her. “You talk all this shit about Nohr, about how they’re heartless bastards who kill others, but you guys do no better. How many Nohrian soldiers have you killed?”

Hinoka sputters, struggling for an answer, and before she can form a response I continue on. “You’ve been blinded by your loyalty … but we’re at war. There’s no “good guys” or “bad guys’ in war. It isn’t black and white.”

I shove to my feet and leave the room without another word; Ryoma calls out for me to stop, but I ignore him, slamming the sliding door open and hurrying back to the room.

“My” room.

… As if.

* * *

After the previous night, they decide to let me simply eat in my room. Although never explicitly ordered to stay in the room, I can tell an order when given; even if it is indirect.

The Queen—I learn her name is Mikoto, eventually—visits daily. She tries to teach me Hoshidan.

She talks about me with pride.

I try to ignore her words.

“You have become so beautiful,” she says softly, one evening, after the dinner dishes have been taken away. “As a child … you were so pretty. So soft, so sweet … the whole room lit up when you entered. And now, you have become beautiful.”

I keep my back turned to her, staring at the decorated wall. The futon is laid out from the previous nights in this place, seeing how I never put it away in the first place. The room is big enough that it doesn’t matter much in the first place.

“Why do you keep trying?” I ask, after listening to Mikoto go on for awhile longer. “I don’t remember anything; I don’t feel anything for you, or … anyone. Why do you keep trying?”

Mikoto pauses. “Because, it makes sense. You spent your whole childhood in Nohr … how sheltered you must have been.”

_ “It was lonely,”  _ Kamui replies. I keep my back hunched.  _ “I wonder what it would’ve been like to grow up like this … with a family, in a big palace, with people around all the time to love you.” _

“You wonder why I keep trying, and that’s because I know it will take time. You must search your soul … think this through.” Mikoto sighs softly. “I do hope, one day, that we can be family.”

I say nothing.

* * *

A week becomes two; then three, and finally a month — and although the royal family brings me out of my room, I haven’t yet left the palace.

The first few days are the hardest of them all; Kamui cries, a lot. She cries for her family; for Nohr. She cries for Xander, for Leo, for Elise … even Camilla. I comfort her to the best of my ability, but her emotions are so strong that they take over mine and more often than not, I find myself crying right alongside her, my own despair mixing with her homesickness.

I’m afraid—no, terrified is a better word. I’m terrified here.

It’s obvious that, no matter how much they parade us as being family, they don’t trust me. I’m given full access to the palace, the grounds … but nothing outside of it.

Takumi is just the only one with enough balls to show how it really is.

And show it, he does.

“I know you are some kind of spy,” he spits out, one night, when we pass each other in the halls. “You can’t fool me, Nohrian. You may have fooled my family, but I know.”

I ignore him; it makes him angrier, but there’s nothing I can say in response. There’s no point in arguing against the teenager, because he’s right in a way.

I may not have been sent here, or told to spy on the Hoshidan royal family, but it doesn’t change the fact that, through and through, I am loyal to Nohr.

Kamui urges me to head outside one last time before heading to bed, so with a heavy sigh I trudge past Takumi and out into the grounds, towards the massive river that stretches across the courtyard. I follow it, humming idly and speaking aloud to Kamui as we go.

“Are you feeling better now?” I ask her, once we’re as close to the walls of the palace as we can be. I sit down at the edge, drawing my knees to my chin and letting my feet rest by the shore. “I know this has to be hard on you.”

_ “I’m alright,”  _ Kamui replies.  _ “Really. You’re always so concerned about me, Amelie, but really … are you alright? You hate it here, right?” _

I hesitate, before nodding. “Yeah.”

_ “These people are kind … Ryoma, Mikoto, Hinoka, Sakura … and I can tell that Takumi is kind as well, even if he doesn’t show it to us. I … I don’t get why you hate them so much.” _

“Kamui, you’ve seen it; you see how much they resent Nohr. You’ve heard the words that come out of their mouth. It’s been an entire month, and they won’t even let us leave the palace.” I dip my toes into the water; it’s cold. “They don’t trust us. If they did, they wouldn’t keep us caged up like a prisoner.”

_ “It’s … but—”  _ Kamui struggles to respond, and I sigh. Again, I’ve shut her down with the same argument I’ve been repeating for the last month. She still hasn’t found a proper retort.  _ “Amelie …” _

I wince at her tone. “Kamui … we have to get out of here. It’s the only way we’ll get back. They’re going to keep us trapped here … trapped forever. We’ll never get back.”

Suddenly I hear footsteps in the grass, and I immediately shut my mouth, turning so I’m looking behind at the foliage.

A tense moment passes, before a tall girl steps out of the trees, her eyes glancing over me with surprise. There’s a dreamy look on her face, and she pauses.

“Oh … I’m sorry, I didn’t realize someone else was here.” She lacks the Hoshidan accent that the rest of the royals do, and I feel a nagging at the back of my brain as I struggle to remember her name. “My apologies.”

“It’s … it’s fine,” I reply. “I was … just about to leave.”

“Wait—please.” Azura, my brain finally supplies, steps forward. “You are Kamui, correct? The child stolen from Mikoto-sama while young … Princess Kamui.”

I hesitate. “I … I guess.”

“I am Azura … a former princess of Nohr.” Kamui gasps in surprise, and I draw myself up to my feet, brushing the dirt off my form. “I doubt you’ve heard of me; I’ve been here a long time, I’m afraid.”

I nod slowly. “So … they kidnapped you as well?”

“… Yes,” Azura replies. ”The Hoshidan forces tried desperately to get you back, after you were kidnapped, but they failed again, and again. I … was not as heavily guarded, and a Hoshidan ninja easily kidnapped me.” She glances at the water with a strange look on her face. “I suppose we’ve both been hostages for most of our lives.”

I look at the taller girl, a sigh escaping my lips. For the first time since I’ve arrived in this place, I can’t help but feel bad. “I’m sorry,” I reply. “It’s as I said weeks ago …  both sides have done the unforgivable. It’s war; it’s to be expected.”

“ … I suppose so,” Azura replies, her voice still holding that dreamy edge to it. “But … my time here has been happy. I may technically be a hostage, but the Hoshidan royal family have never treated me with scorn; instead, I have been accepted as one of their own.”

I shrug at Azura. “If they treat you so well, why weren’t you any of the meals I attended?”

“Perhaps for the same reason you chose to stop attending them,” Azura replies simply. “I am given a choice whether to join or not … as of recent, I have not felt the urge, so I eat in my room.”

I shift uncomfortably, and Azura steps forward so that we’re facing each other fully. “You seem unsettled,” she notices. “Is something wrong?”

“I—no,” I lie. “I’m just tired, is all.”

Azura hums. Her voice is soft, but there’s a firm quality to it. “You do not feel a connection to your family, do you?” She guesses, and I blink. “It’s understandable; I suppose if I were to return to Nohr, I would feel the same way.”

“Would you want to return home?” I ask simply. “If you were taken back by Nohr?”

“Given a choice, I’d prefer to stay here, in Hoshido. Mikoto-sama is a peace-loving ruler … King Garon is not.” Her voice is a bit less soft as she says these words, and I’m almost reminded of myself. “So then … what will you do?”

I eye her warily. “I am not reporting to the royal family,” Azura tells me placatingly. “I am simply curious … you’re quite an enigma, Kamui.”

“What, no princess title?” I say simply, without any mirth to my voice. “It’s obvious, isn’t it? I plan to return to Nohr as soon as possible. I … have family waiting for me there.”

Azura nods. “I see.”

We stand there for maybe a minute, neither of us making any move to break the silence, and it’s after a long while that Azura finally relents. “I will accompany you back to your room,” she offers. “If it is alright.”

“… Sure.”

* * *

As the week passes, I find myself meeting Azura at the lake each night. There’s something about her that’s just … calming. Maybe it’s the fact that she doesn’t expect anything from me like the rest of the royal family; maybe it’s her tone of voice and the expression on her face when we’re sitting together.

It’s a nice change … relieving, really.

“Do you wish to leave the palace, Kamui?” Azura asks, one night. “To explore Hoshido at all? Mikoto-sama would not hesitate to let you.”

I shrug. “Not really … I don’t know. They’ve never offered to bring me anywhere.”

“Are you afraid to ask?”

“What?” I frown. “No. I just don’t want to.”

Azura smiles slightly, as if she’s amused by my response. “Hoshido is truly a beautiful place to be. Will you be joining us this week when we head out to the capital?”

I shift slightly. “… Why would I do that?”

“Why not?” Azura replies, and I hesitate.

_ “Amelie? Please?”  _ Kamui begs; this isn’t the first time she’s tried.  _ “I really do want to see Hoshido; I want to see more of those pretty pink trees we saw when we first got here. There’s nothing like that in Nohr, you know.” _

I stare at Azura, and she returns my gaze; I’m the one who eventually breaks it, feeling slightly awkward. “I … I guess,” I relent. Kamui laughs happily, and I draw myself into a tighter ball, a bit embarrassed by her reaction. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”

“Mikoto-sama will be pleased,” Azura replies, her smile not wavering. “She truly is a kind ruler, Kamui.”

I sigh. “I know.”

Azura ends up singing again that night, and the song lulls me into what almost feels like a trance. Her voice is soft, and it relaxes me each time she sings.

It’s always the same song, the same melody, but I haven’t grown tired of it yet.

I don’t know if I will.

* * *

“What’s the name of Hoshido’s capital, Azura?” I ask. “What’s the name of the palace?”

“We are at Castle Shirasagi. As you’ve seen, we’re seated upon a mountain while the capital encompases us from below … it is called Shirasagi town.” Azura tilts her head curiously. “What about Nohr?”

I lean back to stare at the starry sky. “Castle Krakenburg, which is surrounded by the city of Windmire. It’s … an interesting place.”

“Oh? How so?”

“Well—there are a lot of layers. Circles, kind of.” I use my hands to help describe the city, drawing on each and every bit of it I’d memorized during my brief visit. “As you keep going, there’s a pit. And at the center is the castle.”

Azura hums. “It seems … dreary,” she replies, after my explanation is finished. “Nohr is not very bountiful, is it?”

“… No. Hoshido has it beat, in that aspect. Nohr is … really suffering, right now, compared to Hoshido.”

Actually, Nohr is just suffering in general. But … that’s not something I can worry about right now. The fact that it’s actually sunny in Hoshido says a lot about how different the two nations are. Kamui claims that there is occasional sunlight, but during my stay, all I saw was stormy, overcast skies.

Azura nods. “Yes … my memories of Nohr are scarce, but I do remember the lack of sunlight quite clearly. It’s quite sad, isn’t it?”

“… Yeah,” I agree. “Famine, crime … all those things are really rampant in Nohr. I’m guessing Hoshido has the opposite problem, right?”

Azura pauses. “Yes. There is very little crime here in Hoshido, because the people do not want or yearn for anything … abundant food sources, a kind monarchy; it’s a good situation.”

“But the war has to affect Hoshido somehow,” I press. “How?”

“… I do not know.” Azura’s voice is distant. “Perhaps it is ignorance; the people of Hoshido are happy, but they are also ignorant.”

“Ignorance is bliss,” I repeat. “Except when it’s not.”

“Yes … exactly.”

We’re quiet, with only the chirping of cicadas to keep us company, before Azura eventually walks us back to the palace, humming the entire time. 

* * *

“Kamui, will you sit upon this throne?” Mikoto asks, one day, after leading me into the throne room. “Just for a moment?”

I pause, before shaking my head. “No.”

“Will you perhaps try it?” She presses gently. “You see, this throne is infused with the power of the First Dragons.” I blink at that, and Kamui’s attention is pulled by those words. “It is said that those who sit on it regain their true form and mind.”

I stiffen. Kamui is ecstatic—and immediately I take three steps away from the throne, shaking my head. “No. I’d prefer not to,” I say, making sure to keep my voice even. “Sorry.”

Regain true form and mind … does that mean Kamui would gain control back?

I can’t let that happen.

_ “But—Amelie, it might be our only chance! What if it gives you your body back and gives me mine?”  _ She protests, desperately trying to convince me.  _ “Please, it’s worth a try!” _

_ Kamui,  _ I snap,  _ I’m dead. If you regain your body back, it just means I’ll disappear. _

_ “But—” _

“Really, no thanks,” I mutter, both to Kamui and Mikoto. “There’s no reason for me to sit upon it. Unless you think I’m under a spell—but you trust me, right?” I throw a bit of malice into that, and Mikoto winces. 

“It has nothing to do with trust,” Mikoto replies, and for the first time I see her calm composure break. “I was just wondering … perhaps the Nohrians had sealed away your memories. Sitting upon the throne might bring them back to you—those sweet memories of me and your siblings …”

I turn away. “No. They haven’t sealed away my memories; I remember being a child, in Nohr. I don’t feel like anything is missing … perhaps I was just too young to remember.”

I don’t look at Mikoto’s face, but her words are a dead giveaway to how she’s feeling. “I am sorry, Kamui; I do not mean to push you—”

She’s interrupted by Yukimura, who tells her something in Hoshidan. I watch the older man carefully; I’ve been introduced to him already, back when I first arrived—apparently he’s a strategist for the Hoshidan army. His Nohrian isn’t the best, but he hasn’t been unkind; quite the opposite, actually. He’s been more friendly than expected, especially considering how I’ve been acting.

“I’ve been putting this off for a long while, now, but I decided it is time.” The rest of the royal family enters the room, and I suddenly feel surrounded. Claustrophobic. “I am going to make a public announcement about your presence, Kamui.”

“ … After all this time?” I ask. “Why did it take you so long?”

Mikoto sighs. “There have been rumors circling the about spies from Nohr infiltrating the castle … we’ve been refuting this rumor to the best of our ability, but it is beginning to become out of hand.” She steps down from the throne, placing her hands on my shoulders. “I know you have expressed your discomfort with being here, which is why I put it off … but it cannot go on any longer. It is time to end the rumors once and for all.”

“So … this is what Azura meant when she asked if I was going to accompany you to the capital,” I say softly. “An announcement.”

Not an actual display of trust.

Despite my attempts to stay distanced from the whole situation, I can’t help but feel hurt. After nearly two months of captivity, despite my best attempts, it’s become harder and harder to stay distant to the family.

Azura especially; she doesn’t push any expectations upon me, and despite only meeting her at night I like to think we’ve become … at least friends, to some degree.

“Takumi, Hinoka, and Sakura will give you a tour of the capital—would you like Azura to accompany you as well?” Mikoto asks kindly. “You have become close to her.”

My eyes narrow a bit, but I nod. “That’d … be nice.” Having Azura there to offset Takumi’s hostility would be a relief. There’s only so much of him I can take at once without getting frustrated, though I never let him know.

That would only fuel his comments more.

We fetch Azura, and for the first time I see where her room is located. I’ve never bothered to see where she goes after walking me back to my own room, but it’s surprisingly close to my own. I offer the girl a nod, my lips curving up a bit, and she returns it with a smile.

“I-I think you will love it here,” Sakura stammers out, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment. “Please, um … p-please have fun.”

Sakura’s Nohrian still isn’t the best, but she’s been practicing. Although she’s shy, it’s clear that she’s intrigued by my presence; it’s pushed her into practicing more. It’s obvious.

* * *

There’s some kind of festival going on, judging by all the people dressed up and wandering around; an older woman offers us potatoes, but I politely decline. Azura grabs an extra one for me anyways, and I take it despite my own protests.

The tour is mainly done by Hinoka and Azura, with Takumi trailing behind and Sakura nervously stammering out a few facts or bits of information. Eventually we reach the square, and I stare up at the massive statue in the center.

But despite the fact that Azura tags alongside us, the siblings seem wary of her. Uncomfortable; more than once, I see Takumi directing suspicious looks towards the girl. Hinoka ignores her for the most part; Sakura’s the only one who actually responds to Azura’s light conversation, but Hinoka and Takumi pull her attention away before the conversation can go anywhere.

It’s odd. It doesn’t match up with what Azura told me days ago; that the family had treated her kindly, without scorn.

“What do you think, Kamui?” Azura asks. “Of Hoshido.”

“It’s … bright,” I say dully. “Pretty, I guess.”

_ “It’s so different than the fortress,”  _ Kamui remarks.  _ “I wonder if Nohr could ever look like this … ever be this happy. This open. Do you think so, Amelie?” _

_ I don’t know. _

“I have always been happy here in Hoshido,” Azura remarks. “It’s as I’ve told you.”

There’s something off in her voice, like she’s not really there; I glance over at the blue haired girl and see a distant expression on her face. 

I watch as Hinoka teases Sakura about something a few feet away, and Takumi sighs before placing his hands on the younger girl’s shoulders, startling her. The three of them laugh, speaking in Hoshidan to each other—not for the first time, I feel like an outcast.

I really don’t belong here.

Takumi glances at me from the corner of his eye, and I meet his gaze full on. He glares for a moment before looking away, muttering something under his breath. I sigh.

“Azura, does Takumi treat you unkindly?” I ask. “Or does he treat you as a sibling?”

Azura pauses. “I … no. Despite all my years living here, Takumi has never been open to having me around. He does not keep it a secret that he does not trust me.”

“… How cruel.”

Azura shakes her head. “Takumi has his prejudices; I’ve long since accepted that.”

I’m torn, wanting nothing more than to throw out the question nagging me; is it really just Takumi?

But I keep my mouth shut, because it’s obvious that Azura’s been obscuring the truth. It’s not my place to pry.

Sakura runs off into the crowd, returning about ten minutes later with a small container clasped between her hands; she offers me one of the sweets inside the container. “I-It’s—um, d-dango. Do you want to try?”

I take it, giving the girl a thank you. Azura does the same.

Eventually, we head off to the plaza.

Queen Mikoto is already there, a huge crowd forming already. She turns to us with a smile. “You’re just in time; the ceremony is about to start.”

I look around the crowd uneasily, unable to shake my feelings of unease, but find nothing out of sorts. “Are you ready, Kamui?” She asks. “I know this is a big step … but it is a necessary one.”

“It’s not like I really have a choice,” I reply, my voice a bit sharper than usual. My nerves are on edge.

Something is wrong, and I don’t know what it is.

Whatever Mikoto announces is in Hoshidan—but before she can finish, we’re cut off by a deafening  _ boom— _ and the ground around us explodes, shrapnel and stone flying through the air. A chorus of screams fills the air, and I look around desperately, trying to figure out what happened, when suddenly a shadowed man is in my face, his hand reaching out, already encased with magic, and then—

Mikoto has a hand through her chest, and there’s suddenly blood everywhere.

Kamui is screaming; I’m knocked back by Mikoto’s weight, her body draped limply across my own, and I tremble as I feel the hot liquid stain my hands, eyes wide in horror. Black hair fans across us like a spiderweb, and the masked, shadow man steps back, his eyes glowing dangerously.

I choke back a scream.

“ _ Okaa-san!”  _ Three identical screams ring out across the plaza, and I’m too busy staring at the shadow man to recognize the voices. To feel the hands pressed against my own, the words being rasped out from the body on top of mine—it’s when I finally look down that I see Mikoto’s mouth go still, her body relaxing as the rest of her life is drained from her.

Sakura is screaming—I feel a pair of hands drag me out from the rubble, from underneath Mikoto’s dead body, and I watch as Ryoma shoves me behind him, drawing his sword immediately, his spare arm reached out to keep all of us behind him. Behind me Sakura sobs, but I’m barely able to process it.

My hands are sticky from blood.

Blood.

_ Blood. _

“Kamui! Get back!” Azura yells, when I do nothing but stand behind Ryoma as he drives his sword into the chest of the shadow man. He promptly dissolves into the air, reforming completely only seconds later. “Kamui!”

_ “A-Amelie? Amelie—” _ Kamui is begging, her own voice hysterical.  _ “Amelie, please; don’t lose control, it’s—it’s alright, it’s alright!” _

My chest is burning, my hands are shaking like a leaf. Blood; Mikoto is dead, she’s dead she’s  _ dead and why do I feel so empty when I’m not supposed to care? _

Azura pulls me away, but my eyes are still locked on the corpse resting on the ground, its stillness; how deep the blood surrounding it is.

A corpse. A human corpse; she’s dead, someone is  _ dead and there’s so much blood. _

And then I’ve been pushed back, just like that time at the fortress when Kamui took over; but there’s no pain accompanying it this time. Instead, it’s just … distant, as if I’ve taken a step back. 

Kamui tries to control our body, but even she’s shaken up; she’s too busy holding back the dragon, keeping us from transforming right then and there.

We are empty.

Azura sings—a rush of heat flows through my body, bringing my eyes back to focus, drawing me closer to the window, closer to the entryway.

The vibrations aren’t as strong. 

When I come to, I’m back at the palace. My chest feels oddly hollow; empty, even. I’m not sure why I care; I’m not sure why it hurts so badly. It’s not grief; I know that. 

_ “Shock,”  _ Kamui says softly.  _ “You’re in shock.” _

I realize Azura is seated at my side, her eyes watching me carefully. I’m still soaked with blood—Mikoto’s blood. The thought makes me feel sick.

“Are you alright, Kamui?” Azura asks, her voice soft, as if she’s afraid of scaring me. “We’re at the palace.”

I shiver. “Can I … can I have a spare change of clothes?” I ask feebly. “Please.”

“Yes, of course—I’ll be back in a moment.” Azura exits the room quickly, and as soon as the sliding door is shut I rip off the bloody clothes, bunching them into a ball and throwing them as far away from me as I can.

At least I wasn’t wearing my armor, today. Truthfully, I haven’t worn it since I got here; there’s been no point. It’s not the most comfortable thing to wear around.

The blood has soaked through, onto my chest, and I wipe at it futily. It’s already dry.

Azura returns with a spare change of clothes, and I take them wordlessly. “Perhaps a bath would be best,” she notes, when I move and reveal the blood caked on my skin. “Before you change.”

“… I guess,” I mumble. The shock is wearing off, gradually, leaving me with the same numbness I’ve been battling since I got here. Apathy.

I’m  _ tired. _

Twenty minutes later I’m back in my room, laying on the futon—and Azura sits at my side, silently, before laying down beside me. I say nothing, but the feeling of another person being there is … nice.

“Azura,” I start, “are you sad? About the Queen’s death?”

Azura takes a moment before she replies with, “Yes. Mikoto-sama was kind to me.”

“And what about the rest of the family? Of the people of Hoshido?” The questions come out without my control; I’ve lost too much. I need to reign my emotions back into place. “You said … that first night, you said they treated you kindly. But have they really?”

There’s no response from the girl. I sigh, but say nothing. We lay there on the futon for a long time; eventually, my limbs grow heavy, exhaustion seeping through my bones and nestling itself in the nooks and crannies it finds.

“I suppose … Mikoto-sama has been kind. But the rest of the family has treated me as a stranger.” Azura sighs heavily and I can practically hear the weariness in it. “As a child, many factions opposed my existence in Hoshido.”

I roll onto my side so I’m facing her. Azura’s laying on her back, staring up at the ceiling as she talks. “Mikoto-sama can only do so much … the Daimyo of this country have a tight grasp on everything, and they do not like Nohr … or its people.”

“But Mikoto is—was the queen of the country,” I argue. “Shouldn’t she have sole power?”

Azura blinks. “I suppose … logically, yes. But that is not how Hoshido works. I told you, Kamui; Hoshido is a naive country.”

I stare at her for a bit longer, and eventually Azura turns to look back at me. There’s a sadness in her eyes, but her expression is the same as usual. Calm, composed.

“I guess I figured it out, then,” I say softly. “The problem with Hoshido.”

_ “Amelie?”  _ Kamui asks suddenly,  _ “What’s going to happen now?” _

I crawl under the blanket, and Azura shifts so I can do so.  _ I don’t know. A battle, probably. _

_ “But—but Nohr wasn’t behind this! Why would there be a battle?” _

_ Hoshido blames Nohr for everything,  _ I explain to the girl.  _ So although there’s no proof that the Queen’s killer was sent by Nohr, they’re going to assume it was; Hoshido is angry. _

Kamui goes silent, and I let my eyes slip shut.

A battle, huh? 

There’s no way I’ll get out of this; if it goes the same as it did in the game, then I’m setting myself up for failure … to be struck down without a moment’s notice.

“Azura.” I don’t turn to face her as I speak. “Will you come with me to Nohr?:”

“… I don’t know,” she replies. “I … cannot betray the royal family like that.”

I sigh. “You said it yourself … the Daimyo don’t like Nohrians. And you’re a Nohrian.” I pause, letting those words sink in. “They’re probably going to try killing you.”

Azura is silent, before she admits, softly, “Yes. I know.”

“So then—why do you want to stay?” I ask, confusion seeping into my voice. “I know they’ve probably told you many cruel things about Nohr, but my—my siblings; they’re not going to hurt you. And the King …”

What will the king do?

I search my memories, struggling to remember, but eventually come up with nothing.

“King Garon … will see you the same way he sees me,” I finish, my voice weak. “But at least you’ll have someone on your side.”

Azura rolls onto her side, and I feel her back press up against mine. There’s a slight trembling from her frame. She’s afraid.

But she doesn’t let that fear show otherwise, and I press my hands to my face, exhaling shakily. “Will you think about it?” I ask, slightly desperate. “Please.”

“I have considered it,” she replies, “and I cannot. I’m sorry, Kamui.”

Tears pull at my eyes. I’m not sure why I’m so hurt by her words, and I squeeze my eyes shut tightly to force them away.

Eventually, we fall asleep. But there’s a lingering coldness in my body that doesn’t go away, a fear that persists; a sadness that I can’t describe, can’t understand.

And above all, there’s dread; dread at what’s coming, dread at what the future holds for us … for me, for Kamui—even for Azura.

It’s not long, now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took fricking forever to write...I'm sorry to those who read this that it took so long. This chapter isn't really action filled, even though it is the "decision" chapter, because let's face it; if Amelie actually participated in the battle she'd be dead.
> 
> something to remember while reading this chapter: Amelie's mental state is very precarious right now. She's teetering over the edge of a chasm.

Azura is still asleep when I awake; the sun is barely peeking above the horizon and I take care not to wake her as I get up. I run my hands through my hair, just standing there for a second, before I turn towards the door and exit into the halls.

It’s colder in the halls than the room and I shiver. Azura’s clothes hang off my form due to the height difference between us.

I find myself walking, not exactly sure of my destination, and I pause before Ryoma’s room. My hand reaches out for the door, hesitant, and I stand there uneasily for a few seconds before reluctantly cracking the door open and glancing inside.

Ryoma’s back is to the door, but I see his shoulders shift in response. “ … Ryoma?” I say weakly, when I notice the bandages wrapped around his torso. “… Are you OK?”

I don’t know why I ask; after yesterday, everything feels out of sorts. The careful mask of indifference I’ve been holding up for two months now has cracked and is falling to pieces. I’m struggling to catch them, but they keep slipping through my fingers.

“Kamui,” he acknowledges. “You’re awake. How do you feel?”

I frown. Avoiding the question. He turns to face me, and when he sees I’m still standing outside he ushers me in. “… I’m fine,” I say softly. “Azura stayed with me last night.”

“I see.” Ryoma is silent for a long while before he drags a hand across his face. He’s lacking his armor, only dressed in his sleeping clothes —sans the shirt, for some reason— at the moment. “I’m glad you could confide in her.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. “Ryoma?” I ask weakly. “What’s going to happen now? The … capital. It’s destroyed, right?”

“Yes … it is.” His tone of voice makes him sound older than he really is. Then again, I don’t know exactly  _ how _ old he is. “That is the work of the Nohrians; this is what they do.”

I don’t have any remark about that. I don’t want to push him, especially right after an event like this. “I—I’m sorry.”

He blinks. “There’s nothing to apologize for, Kamui. This was the work of the King; not you.”

“I …” I swallow thickly, my hands shaking. “I—I could’ve—I could’ve stopped—”

“Do  _ not  _ blame yourself,” he repeats firmly. “This was not your fault. You couldn’t have seen it coming … it’s been two months.”

I shudder at his words. Guilt flushes my body. Kamui doesn’t understand and I don’t explain it to her.

* * *

Takumi glares daggers at me as I enter. I force myself not to shrink back, because showing weakness now, after all of this, is a bad idea.

“This is all your fault!” He screams, barely giving me a second before he’s up in my face. I stumble back as he looms, a few inches taller than my own pathetic height—and I see his hand clench into a fist. “Because of you, mother is dead along with  _ countless others!” _

“Takumi—” Ryoma starts, but the boy shakes his head.

“No, don’t say anything Ryoma!” He grits his teeth. “This would’ve  _ never  _ happened if you hadn’t showed up here. You—you don’t belong here.”

His arm comes up, and I’m not sure whether he really intends to hit me or not, because before he can even try Ryoma is there, his hand wrapped firmly around the younger boy’s wrist and his order booming across the room. “Enough, Takumi!”

Takumi tugs his arm away, taking several steps back away from the two of us. “I … don’t touch me.”

Azura enters cautiously, and immediately Takumi turns on her. “And you; Azura, you’re no different!” She looks startled by the sudden exclamation. “An interloper.”

Azura looks away, not saying anything and before I can stop myself I reach forward and grasp her hand in my own, holding on tightly. She looks at me in surprise and I simply look down at my feet.

“I don’t want to see you again. Ever.” He moves to storm out of the room with that, leaving an uncomfortable silence between the three of us. As he reaches the doorway, though, he pauses for a second before throwing back venomously, “Do you really expect me to believe you had no idea this would happen?”

“I didn’t—” He’s gone before I can finish, and there’s a heavy silence. Ryoma looks at the two of us with a look of remorse.

“I’m sorry, Kamui, Azura,” he says softly. “Takumi is taking mother’s death quite hard.”

Azura shakes her head. “No … it’s alright, Ryoma.” I feel her squeeze my hand a bit tighter. I’m surprised she hasn’t pulled her hand away yet. “I’ve long since accepted Takumi’s distrust of me.”

_ “This … this is all our fault.” _ Kamui sounds tearful, and if not for the fact that my own emotions are already low, I’d probably be dragged even lower by hers.  _ “If we’d never been here, then this wouldn’t have happened.” _

_ … You’re right,  _ I agree,  _ but there’s nothing we can do about it now. _

“I have consulted Yukimura just earlier today,” Ryoma tells us, “apparently, mother foresaw her death … she suspected an even darker force may be at work.” He gives me a firm look. “Kamui, this was not your fault. King Garon ordered this attack; you simply got roped into it.”

Azura waits for him to continue, and when he doesn’t she says, almost hesitantly, “Ryoma … what about the sword? The Yato?”

“The … Yato?”

Ryoma nods. “Kamui; you passed out, but shortly after the events unfolded a sword was discovered in the ruins of the statue. It … the sword flew at you. The sword undoubtedly chose you.”

I freeze. “What? But … I already have a sword,” I croak. “The one from the King—”

“Do you wish to wield such a blade? A blade from the man who killed your mother?” I swallow dryly, wanting nothing more than to leave the room and return to my own. This discussion is reaching levels I don’t want to go into. “I sense evil from the weapon.”

I shrug, trying to push my emotions back. Compartmentalize, put them into neat little boxes … fix it. Put it away. Don’t feel, don’t let them come out, don’t let anything escape.

I breathe in deeply, struggling to keep myself composed. Don’t feel. Don’t feel.

“What will we do now?” I ask, my voice stronger than it was earlier. “What’s going to happen?”

Ryoma looks at the throne. It seems even larger than it did the last time I saw it, and although logically I know it’s the same size, it still appears to be larger. 

“There is a massive Nohrian force gathering near the border,” Ryoma tells me, finally. “I will be meeting with the council soon to discuss our next action, but we will not let them invade.”

“We have worked hard to avoid an all-out-war, but now …” he grits his teeth. “Death is too good for them.”

I say nothing. Ryoma fixes his gaze on me, and I squirm. “Will you join us in this battle, Kamui?”

“I—” I swallow thickly. If I want to ever return to Nohr, then I must accompany them to the battlefield. But … my own sense of preservation tells me to stay back, to stay safe. “I … will come. Yes.”

_ “Maybe we can help avert a total war,”  _ Kamui says softly.  _ “We can talk to Xander, tell them what happened; we can fix this … right?” _

I can’t find a proper response, so I just nod.

Ryoma shoo’s the two of us away and only then does Azura release my hand. I stare at her uneasily and she offers me a shaky smile. 

“Are you sure about this, Kamui? You will face your family.”

I look away.

“Yes … I have to go. I can’t sit around.”

But more than anything, I want to.

If only I could.

* * *

“What ever happened to the dragonstone?” I wonder, while sitting alone in my room. It’s been hours since I parted ways with Azura. Ryoma’s still meeting with the council. “I lost track of it while in that … realm that Lilith took us to.”

_ “Um … I think it is still there, actually.”  _ Kamui sighs.  _ “I hope we can find another one. It’s … really exhausting to keep it from taking over. I’ll keep doing it, but …” _

I draw my knees to my chest. “… I know. I wonder if Azura would have one …”

_ Maybe … it can’t hurt to ask, right? _

* * *

“A dragonstone?” Azura repeats, her eyes widening in surprise. “Why would you need one of those?”

“I … you can’t tell anyone about this,” I begin, “alright? Promise?” Azura nods, and I look over at the door. “Back in Nohr, I turned into a dragon.”

Azura blinks. “I see. … Yes, I am in possession of a dragonstone. I did not expect to ever have to use it, though.”

“Can I have it?” I ask. “It’s been a struggle to keep it from coming out … and it’s only getting harder. I don’t want to turn. I … don’t want to lose control.”

Azura nods. “Very well. I’ll bring it to your room later tonight, if that’s alright.”

“Yeah, that’s alright.” I sigh. “Thank you, Azura.”

* * *

“Close your eyes,” is the first thing that Azura says, after shutting the door. “I must attune the dragonstone to you.”

“Attune? Why?”

Azura settles down across from me, a familiar stone grasped in her hand. “Without attuning the dragonstone, it will not work as well as it could. You will still be at risk of losing control.”

I blink. That explains … a lot, actually. All the times I felt the vibrations in my chest, despite having the dragonstone from Nohr with me.

I follow her orders, and see light from behind my eyelids. I wait until she gives me permission to open my eyes.

“Thank you,” I say softly. “I appreciate it.”

Azura hands over the dragonstone and I notice the chain attached. “Keep it around your neck and make sure to keep it safe.”

I nod. “I … thank you,” I repeat. “I’d really be in trouble if not for you, Azura.”

Said person blinks, a look of surprise crossing her face, but she quickly nods, smiling back at me. “You’re welcome, Kamui.”

I hesitate, before scooting forward a bit. “You know, Azura … I’d really like if you could come with me to Nohr.” The words come out before I can think to stop them. “I … I know it’s only been a few weeks, but …”

“… I feel safe when around you, Kamui,” Azura admits. “And while I cannot come with you to Nohr, I wish to keep you safe … which is why I am coming with you to face Nohr.”

“Are you sure?” I ask. “You’ll be in danger.”

“So will you,” she retorts. I look away. “ … You will be returning to Nohr on the battlefield, won’t you?”

I nod. Azura sighs softly. “I cannot do much to help you … but, at the very least, I will keep the royal family from interfering.”

“… Won’t you get in trouble for that?”

Azura smiles, but it’s a bitter thing. Small, uneasy, unsure.

“Perhaps. But it’s a risk I am willing to take.”

“… And you still won’t come with me?” I ask again, but I know it’s futile. Azura’s mind was made up long ago.

As expected, she shakes her head. “No.” 

Azura gets to her feet after that, making her way back to the door and pausing. “It was nice to meet you, Kamui.”

I look away. “ … You too.”

* * *

A week later, the order comes.

Hoshido will not allow Nohr to move forward any longer. We’ll be departing for the border within a few hours time.

I put my armor on, feeling cold. 

Kamui says nothing.

* * *

_ “Everyone!”  _ Kamui cries, as the forms of her siblings slowly become more and more visible. The amount of troops facing us is massive. The ones behind me are just as large.  _ “They’re all here!” _

Too far for me to talk to any of them, but I see them. I know they see me too.

Hinoka stiffens at my side, whispering something under her breath that I don’t catch. Leo becomes closer, more and more visible, until he’s right  _ there— _ any closer and the soldiers behind me will run him through.

The only reason they haven’t yet is because Ryoma hasn’t called the order yet.

“Sister!” He cries, and there’s relief in his voice. “I’m glad you’re OK; you must have the devil’s own luck.”

I swallow dryly, taking an instinctive step forward only for Hinoka to tug me back. I stumble at the sudden action, jerking away instinctively, and before I can move she steps around and puts herself in between me and Leo.

“Nohrian scum! First you kidnap her, now you lie to her!? Kamui is  _ my  _ sister, not yours! You can’t have her!”

_ I’m not an object,  _ I think to myself, anger beginning to brew at the brash statement.  _ Don’t treat me like one; I don’t belong to you. I don’t belong to anyone. _

Leo sneers, his lips curling unpleasantly at her words. “Yours? Who do you think you are?”

“I’m her  _ sister!”  _ Hinoka snaps back.

“Sister?” Leo repeats. “Yet you treat her like a prize. … How twisted.”

Camilla’s approaching quickly and I move around Hinoka, taking a few steps towards the siblings. Towards Kamui’s siblings.

“Kamui, my sweet, little sister; I was so worried about you,” she coo’s, and I’m positive that if we weren’t in the middle of a battlefield she’d be swadling me in affection. “Don’t ever wander away from me again!”

I smile slightly. “I just did what Xander told me,” I reply, ignoring the unease and betrayal that’s brewing in my body. 

Don’t think about it; don’t think about it. Xander is rapidly approaching and I steel my expression, doing my best to wipe away any trace of emotion that remains. Don’t be weak, don’t think about it … it’ll hurt less like that.

Camilla frowns. “We should’ve never let you return on your own … sending our precious little sister away like that was a mistake that will never be repeated.”

I can feel Takumi’s gaze on my back and if looks could kill I’d be nine feet under. 

Ryoma comes forward, his weapon not yet drawn, but his hand hovers near the blade. When he spots Xander he immediately takes the offense, his stance widening. “Be careful, Kamui. That man approaching us is a Nohrian commander.”

_ Yes,  _ I think in reply,  _ I know.  _

But I say nothing.

“It is a relief to see you alive, Kamui,” is the first thing that comes out of Xander’s mouth. “You haven’t been harmed, have you?”

I swallow dryly. ‘I’m fine,” I reply, steadying my voice. “What are you all doing here?”

“Father says it is time to show our true strength,” he replies, and although he’s speaking to me his eyes are anywhere but. They flicker across the field, settling on Ryoma in the end. “If we conquer Hoshido here and now, we can avoid unnecessary bloodshed; join us, Kamui.”

I tremble. Azura’s lingering behind me and I want nothing more than to take her hand like I did in the throne room a week ago.

Alone. I’m alone in this.

_ “I’m here for you, Amelie,” _ Kamui says firmly.  _ “You’ll never be alone; I’m always going to be here for you, no matter what.” _

_ … Thank you, Kamui. _

Without her memories being restored, without the close bonds that she should’ve formed with the Hoshidan royal family, Kamui’s hesitance has all but evaporated.

The thought of siding with Hoshido hasn’t crossed her mind in a month, at the very least.

It makes my job easier, at least; that’s one less person to worry about. One less person to betray.

But surrounded by the entire Hoshidan royal family, I find myself frozen.

How do I escape? How do I get  _ out? _ They’re closer than Xander and Camilla; the second my allegiance becomes known, I’m as good as dead.

They won’t let me live. I know too much about Hoshido, about the royal family, about how it all  _ works;  _ I’ve been exposed to far too much to just be allowed to walk away with the enemy.

Terror freezes me. It clogs my throat up, making it hard to breathe; each breath takes more out of me than it should. The air is too heavy.

If I was capable of it, I’d probably cry.

_ “We can do this. Amelie, we can do this; it’s going to be OK.” _ Kamui’s voice repeats firmly. Although it’s the same voice coming out of my own mouth, it sounds different.  _ “We’ll survive; you said it yourself. We have to survive.” _

_ We have to survive, we have to survive. _

“Don’t be fooled by their words,” Ryoma says, and I’m dragged back into the conversation with his words. How long have I been spacing out for? “You belong with your true family in Hoshido!”

Xander’s eyes narrow dangerously. “Kamui, we have loved you and raised you since you were a child; come home, little princess—we can live as a family once more!”

“As a family?” Hinoka repeats. “You Nohrians locked her in a fortress and  _ left her there!  _ How can you call that love!?”

Xander’s gaze moves to her. She doesn’t cower; I’m impressed. I’m cowering and it’s not even directed at me. “You know nothing.”

Hinoka’s hand is wrapped around my arm with a bruising grip. I wince as it tightens. “Hinoka,” I start. “Hinoka, let go—you’re hurting me.”

She rips her hand back as if she’s been burned, her eyes widening in surprise. “I—sorry,” she stammers out, her anger seeming to evaporate before coming back full force. “Kamui, you can’t leave us; you belong here! We’re your family; we’ll treat you like you should’ve been treated!”

“Nohr is your home,” Xander says calmly. 

Camilla smiles, but there’s danger lurking beneath it. “We’ve all missed you so much, Kamui … return to us. Return to your family.”

“Sister,” Leo begins, “come home.”

I look between them; between Ryoma and Xander, between Hinoka and Camilla—and although my choice was made long ago, a weight settles on my chest.

Unlike the game, if I do this wrong, I’ll be slain in an instant.

Careful.

Do it right.

“B-Big sister?” Sakura cries, and I turn to face the girl. She’s grasping her staff tightly. I look away.

Takumi’s eyes burn holes through me. I think to his fate; what will become of the teenager as a result of my choice.

It makes me waver.

Kamui pulls me back to my feet.

_ “They’re right there,” _ she reminds me.  _ “We’ll be OK. You’re gonna be OK. Remember? You made a promise.” _

I swallow.

The promise.

I turn back to Xander and meet his eyes. I squeeze my eyes shut, allowing a single tremor to pass through my body, before I compose myself.

Surreptitiously, I nod.

That’s all it takes before hell breaks loose.

Someone yanks me back; whether it’s Ryoma or Hinoka, I’m not sure—but before I can be ushered away or impaled Camilla is  _ there,  _ her staff already aimed right for Hinoka’s throat. Hinoka blocks it—and I see Xander engage Ryoma.

It’s now or never.

I duck under Hinoka’s arm and she barely has a second to look away before she’s forced to retreat back, else she be impaled on the spear. “You—traitor!” She screams, when I stumble to Camilla’s side. An arrow whizzes past us and I remember that Wyverns are vulnerable to arrows.

“Withdraw your troops,” Xander orders coldly. “Otherwise, blood will be shed.”

Ryoma’s expression is a mix of betrayal and rage. “Kamui—you cannot possibly—”

“I’m sorry, Ryoma,” I say, my voice not shaking despite the fact that I am. My grip on Camilla keeps her from continuing to attack. “I can’t betray my family.”

“Your family!?” He grits his teeth. “How can you say that? Open your eyes—we are your true family! Can you not see how vile those Nohrians are!?”

Camilla tugs me behind her on her wyvern and I wrap my arms around her waist, holding on tightly. 

“That’s it, Ryoma,” I reply. “You’re blinded by hatred. I’m sorry that the Queen died … but two months of captivity cannot sway me.”

“You may be my biological family, but Nohr … Nohr raised me. My siblings kept me company, they loved me for years. Two months … will never compare.”

My tone is detached and empty—I don’t feel the words. They’re just a play. I’m playing my part, like I’ve been the entire time.

“Now that you know their sins, how can you possibly justify joining them?” He asks. “You are a princess of Hoshido—you are my sister!”

I snap.

“Shut  _ up!”  _ I scream. “Shut up—stop saying that! I’m not your princess, I’m not your sister; I might’ve been all those years ago, but that person you knew is  _ dead and there’s nothing you can do to change that!” _

“I’m sick of being told what to do—how I should feel.” My voice is laced with anger. My nails are digging into the palms of my hands. “I’m tired of it. All you’ve done the last two months is attempt to fill my head with hatred, with animosity. All you’ve done is blame Nohr, talk down about the people who raised me—did you honestly expect me to just turn around and accept your hatred with open arms?”

I press my forehead against Camilla’s back, my voice lowering in volume, but not in tone. “Hoshido is not the paradise you parade it to be … it may be sunny, and it may have plenty of food, but your unwillingness to see past that and see the problems with your country pisses me off.”

“Blame it all on Nohr, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve blinded yourself with loyalty. Nohr may be cruel … but at least Nohr realizes its shortcomings.”

From his spot across from Ryoma, Xander calls to me. “You’ve done the right thing, Kamui.”

I feel cold. The anger is there, but it’s a bitter twang. It stabs into me, creating holes and wounds that won’t heal for a long time.

My mask is broken. Ryoma’s words are razor sharp, meant to hurt and cut right through me; but I’ve already resigned myself to my fate. I accept his words and say nothing in argument—and when he tries to attack Camilla I just hide in Camilla’s back and pretend I’m not there.

And when we ultimately retreat from the battlefield, after what feels like days of fighting—I don’t look back. I don’t think about the countless bodies strewn across the plain, the blood soaking into the grass—I don’t think about the wounds left on the Hoshidan family, both physical and mental.

I can’t think about it.

I don’t look back.

* * *

_ “How are you feeling?”  _ Kamui asks for the uptenth time.

_ I’m fine.  _ It’s a lie. Kamui knows it.  _ I’m tired. _

_ “ … It’s more than that,”  _ the girl argues, but there’s no force behind her words. It’s the first time she’s pushed past that question of hers.  _ “You haven’t said a word to anyone since then … I bet everyone is worried. Don’t you want to talk to them?” _

I smile, but it’s weak. My face is still buried in Camilla’s back; we haven’t stopped moving in hours.  _ No. Not really. _

_ I can’t pretend anymore,  _ I admit.  _ I broke it. I broke my mask, I broke the facade I had up … what will they think when they see me? When they see us? _

_ When we’re so drastically different from how we were two months ago?  _ I question.

Kamui is quiet for a long time. Xander says something about taking a break for the night and I simply let my eyes slip shut.  _ “I … they’ll have to just deal with it,”  _ she finally replies.  _ “It’s all they can do.” _

Our retainers make quick work of setting up the tents and I reluctantly dismount from Camilla’s wyvern when she offers her hand to me. My body feels heavy.

“Sister,” Xander says softly, his tone a drastic turn from the battlefield. “You did the right thing.”

I nod. Camilla’s hand is rubbing circles across my shoulder blades, attempting to calm me from a panic that doesn’t exist.

Xander examines me before continuing, “As you now know, you do not share the same bloodline as the rest of us. But it matters not. I have regarded you as family since I first laid eyes on you.” He offers a smile, but there’s exhaustion behind it. “I cannot express what it means to me that you’ve chosen to return to us.”

I offer a weak smile back, but it doesn’t reach my eyes. “I’m glad to be back,” I reply, my voice just above a whisper.

“Father will be pleased with your decision as well.”

My smile dies at that. The King … if I remember correctly, Kamui was not supposed to return from Hoshido in the game. She was meant to die with Mikoto in the square.

His response in the game … will not live up to his response in real life.

I’m afraid.

Trembles wrack my body, and I feel the world closing in—the darkness is stifling, seeping into my pores and weighing me down, and I kneel down, pressing my forehead to my knees and attempting to keep my breaths even.

Don’t panic, don’t  _ panic. _

_ “Sh,”  _ Kamui sooths softly.  _ “It’s gonna be OK … we’ll be alright. Xander and Camilla will protect us. Father will be pleased … father will be happy to see us. We even have information to give him on Hoshido.” _

_ … I never thought I’d hear that from you,  _ I return weakly. The weight on my chest is only growing.  _ Betrayal? _

_ “Are we really betraying them, though?”  _ Kamui asks.  _ “You said—” _

_ I know what I said,  _ I interrupt.  _ I know. _

“Big sister? What’s wrong?” I hear Elise ask, concern lacing her voice.

Footsteps. Camilla is kneeling next to me, whispering soothing words into my ear and hugging me tightly, and I feel a hand tilt my chin up. I meet Xander’s gaze, and I’m horrified to see the edges are blurred and watery.

I’m  _ crying. _

“Kamui,” Xander begins softly, “you are safe now. You are back with your family.”

I hiccup, blinking rapidly in hopes to deter the tears, but it does no good. “I—” the words linger on the tip of my tongue. Why did you leave me? Why didn’t you come back for me? Why did you let them  _ take me? _

But I force them away.

“A-Alright,” I choke out. “Alright. Alright.”

I don’t speak of the capital. I don’t want to remember the scene—the  _ blood.  _

I don’t want to remember. It hurts; it scares me more than anything else, because when Mikoto died, it was different than the deaths of the soldiers at the border.

It was different than the soldiers at the castle.

I don’t know why, but it was different—and the scene haunts me. The feeling of blood on my hands, blood on my chest, blood on  _ me  _ makes me want nothing more than to scrub my skin raw, until the feeling is gone.

I keep it a secret, because the knowledge won’t help anyone. It’ll only hurt me more. It’ll only cause problems for Kamui’s siblings; set doubt in their hearts.

* * *

I find myself up after everyone else has drifted asleep, my arms linked around my knees and eyes settled on the mountains in the distance. I know that, somewhere miles away from the battlefield, the Hoshidan family is reeling over my so-called betrayal, reeling at the fact that I chose  _ Nohr and not Hoshido. _

I know and it  _ hurts.  _ It burns with a ferocity that I can’t explain.

_ “You did what you thought was right. It’s gonna be alright, Amelie. We’re gonna be fine.” _

My hand comes up to touch the dragonstone from Azura. The stone is smooth against my fingers. “I … I guess so.”

I realize that my weakness is once against spread out for Kamui to see—recently, she’s the only person I’ve allowed to see it besides Azura. 

Our roles are reversed. At the beginning of this, I was reassuring her; telling her everything would be alright, that I’d fix everything. Throughout our two months in Hoshido, I kept her going, reminded her of her family and keeping her from developing a bond with the Hoshidan family.

But now, my strength is gone.

There’s nothing left to hold me together anymore.

I must sit out here for a good hour before I hear someone approach from behind. My body is cold, freezing practically; I’ve been shivering nonstop for the majority of the time. 

“Sister, what are you doing out here?” Leo asks calmly. I don’t turn to look at him, and he scoffs slightly. “You didn’t bother to even bring a blanket.”

I shrug. Leo says nothing and I hear him retreat. A shaky sigh escapes my mouth. 

_ Did I make the right decision? Does he care? Do any of them really care? _

I was so sure about this when I first arrived at Hoshido; in Nohr, even. I was sure that I’d stay with Nohr because they’re the strong ones, the powerful ones; the path I know.

I never played Birthright. I wouldn’t have known what I was getting myself into.

But … now that it’s all done and over with, I can’t help but feel like I’ve done something wrong. That a grave mistake has been made.

Kamui loves her family. I separated myself from the Hoshidan royal family, because I didn’t want to risk Kamui growing to love them.

But in the process, I lost it. I lost myself—pretending not to care for two months is … taxing. And now, after it’s all over, I feel so weak and drained of energy that I wish for nothing else but it all to end.

A blanket is draped over my shoulders and I look up just as Leo sits down next to me. “Now you won’t catch a cold, at least,” he mumbles. “Your luck doesn’t last forever, Kamui.”

I laugh suddenly. Leo blinks. I draw the blanket further around my shoulders, tucking my arms to my sides so that the cold wind doesn’t hit them anymore. “Leo … I never had any luck to begin with.”

Leo’s lips tighten minutely. “What do you mean?”

“… This whole situation is a mistake,” I say softly. “None of it should’ve happened. I shouldn’t be here.”

I should be dead; I should’ve died when that man shot me point blank in the forehead. I should’ve died and gone to … whatever it is you’re supposed to go to after death. Heaven, hell—hell, reincarnation, even.

I shouldn’t be living someone else's’ life. 

“Why do you say that?”

I look over at the blond, who stares back firmly. I have to look away. Leo can’t know the truth; he’ll never know the truth. I will never tell him, or anyone for that matter.

Because when they find out I’m not really Kamui … why would they bother keeping me around?

“The square exploded,” I say softly. It’s not a lie. But it isn’t what I meant by my words, either. “I don’t know what caused it. But the Queen—”  _ blood death spiderwebs, blood everywhere hands through her chest blood blood  _ **_blood_ ** _ — _ “the Queen was killed. The Hoshidans blamed Nohr.”

“She sacrificed herself to save me,” I say softly, my eyes staring out into the distance, but not really seeing. “I owe my life to her. I would’ve been dead in that square if not for her.”

“Why did she do it?” I ask weakly. “For two months, I treated her coldly. For two months I rebuked her efforts to grow close to me, to draw me into her family … for two months, I treated her like a stranger. So why did she save me?”

Leo sighs. “A mother’s love for her child is something unlike any other. Although you treated her coldly … you were still her child.”

“She shouldn’t have done it.” My words are empty. I feel empty; I am hollow. By this point, I’m not sure what I’m talking about—the square, or my death. Maybe both. “I should’ve died there, in the capital. I should’ve had a hand through my chest; I should’ve bled out on the floor, and died like I was supposed to.”

“What are you saying!?” Leo’s hands slam into my shoulders and I catch myself with my hands. His eyes are narrowed into a dangerous glare. “Why would you wish such a fate upon yourself!?”

“Because if I’d died, none of this would be happening.” I look down at my hands—no … Kamui’s hands. “I’d be gone, and everything would be alright.”

Leo shoves me back more. “No it wouldn’t—are you even listening to yourself!? If you’d died in her stead, where would we be? You are our sister; you are important to us. Without you, Kamui, we’d be—”

He trails off, before picking up with, “The months without you were torture. Camilla and Elise worried nonstop, Xander worked himself to the bone to find you; I watched them tear themselves apart because of your absence.”

“If you hadn’t returned to us … we wouldn’t be here.” His grip slackens and although he doesn’t release my shoulders the pressure lessens. “We’d be lost, Kamui. You are our light. You are our  _ sister and we need you.” _

My hands are pale. This isn’t my body.  _ This isn’t me—I am not Amelie anymore. _

_ I am Kamui. I am trapped in this world, with these people who I don’t know. People who I feel no affection towards. _

_ I am alone. _

“I’m sorry,” I mumble. “I don’t know what came over me.”

Leo releases my shoulders, looking away. “… You speak lies. But it is late; I won’t push it.”

I don’t respond, instead just curling into the blanket even more. Leo settles back down across from me, staring intensely, before he sighs to himself. “You should return to your tent and sleep.”

“… I’d rather stay out here,” I mumble. “I don’t want Camilla or Elise to see me like this.”

Leo frowns. “You can’t intend to stay out here all night.”

My lips crack into a wry smile. “Try me.”

He groans, pressing a hand to his forehead. “Sister … Kamui,” he mutters, his voice a bit frustrated. “What did those Hoshidans do to you to make you like this?”

I say nothing. I saw this outcome; I knew I’d be called out on my sudden … ‘change’. The Kamui they’d seen before, the Kamui that had really been me … hadn’t even been me, fully. It was the mask I wore. The mask I’d worked on perfecting.

And now, that mask is shattered—and I’m lost.

“I’m sorry,” I say simply. “Just … maybe you should go back to sleep, Leo. It’s late.”

“Speak for yourself,” he shoots back. “Fine. If you won’t return to your tent, then return to mine.”

I jerk at that. “What?”

“I will not dote over you like Camilla and Elise, nor will Xander.” Leo crosses his arms over his chest. “But you can’t stay out here all night.”

_ “I remember … this is like when we were kids. He’d always sneak me into his room when he’d stay at the fortress.”  _ Kamui sighs, her voice light for the first time in awhile.  _ “It was fun. We’d stay up late, with him reading his boring old tomes and spellbooks and me teasing him—I … miss those days.” _

I think back to my times spent with my baby brother. A pain shoots through my heart and I have to grit my teeth to avoid wincing.  _ It sounds nice. _

“So. What is your choice?”

I look at Leo tiredly. With his stature and attitude, it’s hard to believe he’s younger than me. He’s more mature and well-spoken than any eighteen year old I ever met back on Earth.

But … this isn’t Earth. And Leo isn’t any eighteen year old boy; he’s royalty.

“I … fine. I’ll sleep in your tent,” I finally decide. “But there won’t be a place for me to sleep.”

Leo sighs heavily. “You can share mine.”

Kamui’s words ring in the back of my head and I repeat them to him. “Just like when we were kids.”

Leo’s lips twitch. “… Yes. Now, if you’ll get up? It’s freezing out here.”

I do so reluctantly and Leo stalks off towards his tent, with me reluctantly following.  _ This isn’t weird, right?  _ I ask Kamui.  _ Right? _

_ “He’s my brother; yours now, too. Why would it be wrong?” _

I pointedly ignore the fact that I S-ranked Leo in my game, instead settling down beside him on the sleeping mat. Xander watches us as we enter, simply sighing when he sees the both of us lay down beside each other. “I would’ve thought that you’d both grown out of having sleepovers?”

“S-Shut up!” Leo snapped, immediately on defense. “Kamui said she didn’t want to be fussed over, so I let her stay here. Is that a problem?”

The tent is dark, so I can’t see Xander’s expression, but from the amusement in his voice I’m sure he’s smiling. “Of course not. Just don’t stay up too late little siblings.”

Leo huffs, not bothering to give into the obvious teasing. “Whatever. I’m going to sleep now.”

He lays so his back is facing me and I look over at Xander’s shadowed figure before reluctantly laying with my back against Leo’s.

I must lay there for another hour before I finally drift off into a restless sleep.

* * *

“My lady?” I look up at Jakob’s voice. “How are you feeling this morning?”

I shrug. The tents have been packed up already and now we’re just waiting to get going; we should be back at the capital by tomorrow morning. After nearly a week of traveling from the battlefield, I’m more than ready to get out of the wilderness and return to a bed—that is, if I even get the chance.

_ “You’re really scared, aren’t you?”  _ Kamui says sadly.  _ “I know that father is intimidating … but we have stuff we can tell him! We’re useful.” _

_ He …  _ I can’t bring myself to tell her. I’ve tried, over the past week; but it’s harder to explain why I’m so convinced Garon will be unhappy with our return considering that it’s because this is all a  _ game. _

“I’m alright, Jakob.” My voice is tired but I force a neutral expression on my face. “Just … ready to go home.”

He frowns. “Lady Kamui, there is no reason to hesitate. I will assist you in any way imaginable—for you, I would walk through fire and ice … charge an army of faceless,” he reminds me, “I can cook, clean, sew, smith; anything you ask of me, I can do.”

“There’s nothing to do,” I say in response. “I know that I can rely on you for any situation. But there’s nothing to do.”

Jakob looks conflicted. “Are you sure, Lady Kamui?”

“I don’t need help with everything.” I see Elise approaching us, and make sure to even out my voice and expression as she gets closer. “Can you just … leave me alone about it?”

“Out of the question,” he replies curtly. It takes all my self control not to snap at him. “But if you wish for time, then I will allow it.”

I look away. Elise bounces up beside him, sparing the two of us a look before she says to me, “Big sister! We’re going to leave now; do you wanna ride with me today?”

“I—it’s OK,” I reassure the girl, “I’ll stick with Camilla … we’re both too big to fit on your horse, Elise.”

“Aw.” She pouts, but doesn’t argue. “Fine. It’s not fair that Camilla gets all your attention, though.”

Except, when I go to mount the wyvern, Xander stops me. “Kamui—you will ride with me today,” he orders and I swallow dryly. “Allow Camilla’s wyvern a rest; it has been nearly a week now.”

“But—” I trail off. Arguing about this is useless. “Fine.”

I can already tell there’s an alternative motive behind this switch—considering the conversation I heard last night, I can easily assume the real reason.

My stomach is fluttering with nerves as I approach and Xander offers a hand to help me up; I take it and he yanks me up onto the horse. I swing my legs over so I’m straddling the saddle, and tentatively wrap my arms around his waist.

We set out a few minutes later, with Xander taking the lead. I look behind us, seeing that everyone is close enough, but still a good distance so that there won’t be anyone overhearing our conversation.

I swallow thickly.

This is going to be a long day. 

“You’ve been out of sorts, since we retrieved you,” Xander comments calmly. I squeeze my eyes shut. “What is on your mind, princess?”

I can feel Kamui hovering. “It’s … it’s nothing.”

“You have changed dramatically in the past two months,” he replies back. “What happened?”

He phrases it as a question but it sounds more like an order than anything else. More than anything else I just want to bury my head somewhere and never move. When I don’t respond, he rewords his question. “Did the Hoshidan family say something to you?”

“They … don’t like Nohrians,” I simply say. “That’s it.”

Vague enough to avoid the question, but specific enough to answer it, right? 

_ “Xander isn’t going to buy that,”  _ Kamui mutters.  _ “He’s a pro at getting answers. Even when I tried to avoid answering, he’d always get me to answer somehow.” _

_ I’m not going to tell him the truth. _

“But, in their eyes, you are not Nohrian.” I stare out at the landscape. The dreary weather is such a stark contrast to Hoshido. I find myself missing the sun. “They see you as one of your own.”

I shake my head. “Not … all of them.”

Takumi didn’t. He hated me from the start, and definitely hates me now. And Azura—Azura is probably at risk of losing her life right now. She could die; why couldn’t she have just … come with me?

_ “You really liked Azura, didn’t you?”  _

_ She was nice.  _ I press my forehead against Xander’s shoulder, sniffling slightly.  _ She knows she’s in danger. I don’t get why she didn’t come with me. Did she not see me as her friend? _

_ “I’m sure that’s not it!”  _ Kamui cries.  _ “But … she was raised by them. How could she just leave her family like that? We couldn’t. It isn’t fair to think she could, either.” _

“There was a Nohrian on their side,” Xander states. “Blue hair. Who was she?”

I sigh. “Azura … she said she was a Nohrian princess who was kidnapped soon after I was. She said … no one was protecting her.”

Xander’s shoulders stiffen. “Azura … I remember her.”

“She’s your sister?”

Xander says nothing and I don’t push him. “Xander … is the King going to be mad?” I ask softly. “I got captured.”

Xander is silent for a long while. Then, finally, he says, “I will protect you to the best of my ability, Kamui. Take my word for it.”

A weight drops in my stomach; that’s as much confirmation as I needed.

The King is going to be furious and Xander knows it.

Against my will, I begin to shake. My hands grip around his waist tighter as I suck in a shaky breath, panic coating my lungs. Will he try to kill me? Maim me? There will be some form of punishment and it won’t be good. 

I’m not ready to die again.

Xander’s voice is a bit softer when he speaks again. “I promise you, Kamui. You will be alright. It’ll work out.”

“I—” my voice wobbles dangerously, tears already threatening to escape my eyes. “I’m scared, Xander.”

“Camilla and I will do our best,” he simply says. “Remember your place, and remember the rules. Keep your head on your shoulders. Think straight. Do not let your emotions cloud your judgement like you did in the courtyard.”

I wince. He still thinks that was the reason—do they all? Does the fact that I nearly murdered the both of them mean nothing?

“I didn’t let emotions take over,” I say softly, before I can stop myself. “It was the dragon.”

“… The dragon?”

I nod. “When I was fighting those two … it … pulsated.” I clench my hands tightly. “And pulled. I was trying not to turn into a dragon, because—because I didn’t want to lose control again.”

Xander slowly responds, “I see.”

“I didn’t mean to be weak; I promise.” My voice shakes and I breathe in heavily. “I … I tried. I really, really tried.”

“Kamui …” Xander’s voice is unsure and it startles me. “It’s alright. I believe you.”

I gasp, tears blurring my eyes. “Xander—I don’t want to die,” I croak. “The King will be so mad at me. He’s going to kill me. He’ll—”

“I will not let him kill you,” he says firmly. “Nor will Camilla. We will not stand by and let you be killed, Kamui. Understand?”

I shake my head. “You can’t stop him—you won’t. I’m … I’m doomed. I’m doomed, Xander. I should’ve …”

“I should’ve just died.”

I jerk when his horse suddenly comes to a halt, and it’s barely a second before I’m ripped off the mount and forced to face the man. Compared to his height, I’m tiny—and his hands grip my shoulders so tight that it’s bruising.

“Don’t ever say that.”

His voice is hard and filled with fury and I tremble. “Do you understand me?” He shakes me slightly. “Never throw your life away—never sit back and let it be taken from you. Your life is  _ yours to live.  _ Do not stand by idly as it is ripped away.”

I choke back a laugh; his words are ironic. Because both Kamui and I did exactly that. We let our lives be taken and couldn’t do anything to stop it.

“My lord? Why have we stopped?”

Xander turns to his retainers and shakes his head. “It is nothing. We shall continue on.”

With that he remounts the horse and pulls me up onto it. “I will protect you, little princess,” Xander says, his voice final. “But do not give up your own fight, or we will all lose.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback?

**Author's Note:**

> notes on what Kamui/OC looks like: standard fates female MU except with the smaller body frame. Everything else is the same.


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